Peace and Blessins'

Well, I'm blogging from a mountain. And this is my job.....sigh.

Resting in a charming green rocking chair, with the ridges of blue (hence the name Blue Ridge) straight ahead in my line of sight.

If only words could do it justice. If only a picture could do it justice. But it can't. Part of the beauty of the view is the experience attached to it.

I wanted to blog because I'm in an awesome place and I feel like that means I should have something awesome to say....but I don't. I've been sitting here for thirty minutes trying to conjure up some witty story, or some spiritual insight. But ya know what, it's just been a fun week.

Sometimes I forget that this blog is just my process. It's not meant to be some big theological diary or an amusing collection of memoirs. The full intention of my starting  my blog was for me to just write when I wanted to, about the things I wanted to write. I'm under the full impression that we are called to enjoy things fully and do it in such a way that we can invite people into that. I like writing, sometimes about serious things, sometimes not, either way, blogging is my way of inviting people into that place of my life without expecting anything in return. I'm not disappointed, in fact, I expect, people to not really read it, but it's out there.

I've loved the time I've spent with the other two registrars this week, we've laughed a lot. Until this summer, I hadn't laugh-laughed (you know the kind) much, and I don't know what in this job has changed that, but that is grace right there. I haven't had much to laugh about this past year, and I am getting to rest in the redemption God has placed in this job.

And maybe that's the theme of how these past few weeks have been. There's been redemption. And the whole point of redemption is grace. I have no idea why this job, this summer, with these people, has been so healing for me, but it has. It's just one of those areas of life where I have to look and point and say there is a God and He is good, because this doesn't make sense.

Sitting here on this front porch, in the home of Moon Pies, RC Cola, and pineapple sandwiches (yeah, sounds disgusting to me too), I am getting to believe in His promise of grace on me, and bask in it.

Yeah, that's it. I get to rest in grace. I haven't been working for it, but He blessed me anyway. And you know, there's peace that lays like a blanket on me of just getting to believe in His grace.

The God that gives me this kind of nonsensical rest is the God I want to know better.

A NFL player with a 25 1/2 inch arm circumference said this last night, and I liked it.

"God bless me, so I can be a blessing"

Today I see my blessing.

Fresh

Thus it's been a week. I arrived at the conclusion that even though I instated an initiative, if I didn't have anything to say, I wasn't going to say it. Let me go grab some salt to season my words as I eat them.

Today I've got something to say. It's been rolling around within me for a while now. It took me up until Monday to be able to admit it, but I can now.

I've lost faith in Christianity. I'm not talking I don't believe in God. I'm not saying that I'm having faith doubts. I have just lost faith in the Christian life.

We live in a world completely inundated by everything. There are endless options regarding what one can read, listen to, write, blog, buy, drink, eat, etcetera. So what? Well, with all of these available sources, I've been bouncing around trying to find the one that makes the most sense to me. And i've been disappointed. Not because they are right or wrong. But because the point of making sense is that it makes sense in light of what I've found to be True.

So i've spent time throwing out the institution, which was embittering. Months have been spent in my world disheartened by what we have created into being a Christian culture. I hate it.

I want more than anything for God to be a completely tangible, life-giving, a hopeful reality. In programs or in an organic lifestyle. All of the above. I just want God. I don't want to find Him in an institution, or a book, or a person, I want to find Him. Period.

I'm beginning there, still being about the things that I get glimpses of His reality in (Redeemer, reading. dear friends), but remembering what my mom told me about last week about God knowing that I don't know.

That was profound for me. I haven't experienced permission to not know in a long time. The grace of people to go through the process of beginning, without even questioning it or trying to understand. Just letting me be and quietly observing the process. My momma gave me that last week.

And in this past week I've started my job. New people. People I have completely enjoyed. I've laughed a lot, something that hasn't happened in awhile. I've loved learning new things and being in a different environment. It's been refreshing and fun.

So I'm giving myself permission to feel things out this summer. To start over, in a sense, with what I think about things. There's a peace for me that comes in the aloneness of that. I want this to be my own. I want to own it. I'm not refusing people or relationships, rather looking to find truth so I can fully embrace them. I want reality to meet theology. I know i've said that before. But the truth of me as a human is I lose it so much. I lose myself so much. I'm not a strong person, and my frailty is constantly evident. I'm taking that for what it's worth and starting there asking God to just be Him and to let me catch glimpses of that. Reminding myself that He knows I don't know. Resting in the fact that He loves me in that place as He loves me when I do understand.

I believe in God man. Not in an existence or religious sort of way either. I believe in Him in a believing sort of way. Hopeful, knowledgeable that goodness will come of it. I don't believe in me anymore. And I don't really believe in my view of things as it is right now. I want a fresh start in that.

Homey Home Homes

Buhhh. Totally forgot to blog. Boo me.

But, I'm home. Happily home. It's been happy and relaxing thus far.

I'm living the high life yo, let me tell you.

Cleaning my car, unpacking my stuff, grocery shopping with the rents.

Don't you wish you were me?

It is a very wonderful thing to be back in the world of Target. And real food. And a climate controlled house. And a big shower. And a washer and dryer. And asparagus.

Let me settle and I'll tell you what I've been thinking about lately, I just don't quite have my bearings under me yet to want to write it out. It's pretty honest. And hard.

Shame on me for skipping some blogs. I'll try to be better.

Peace out home biscuits.

Haiku's

Packing is a bore
Can't wait to play volleyball
Weather warm up please.

Or....

Windex on the shelf
Dirty laundry on the floor
Staring, mocking me

Or....

Unexpected guests
Are packing my car for me
Blessed be their souls

Or....

So long bad coffee
Cocoa Cappuccinos, YES
I'm not an addict.

Or...

Realization:
All my stuff fits in a car
Minimalistic

Planks

So I was thinking today. Well actually tonight. And actually I was talking to my roommate. So I just lied to you. Forgive me.

But when I was thinking/talking to my roommate today/tonight, the subject of being too harsh came up. While I am a very tenderhearted person when it comes to relationships, I can be brutally honest towards people, through sarcasm, and it's rude, and not very kind-hearted. It sucks actually. 

The phrase "ooooh, I shouldn't have said that" is recurring in my mind a lot. And you know what, I don't know how to not be blunt. It's a learned habit, and an ugly one at that. Can be advantageous sometimes, but most the time it's just hurtful.

I'm a lot better at finding the twig in others eyes than seeing the plank in mine. I only see it if I want to see it. I think I refuse to look because I want to feel strong. I know I got issues, trust me, I see them all the time, but I like to know the issues I have. I don't enjoy people pointing them out to me. I get embarrassed and feel small. Bleh.

So I avoid the planks to avoid the embarrassment. It's that whole, "I should've known that" mentality. How could I not have seen that, or if I have seen it, why didn't I not do that?

But that's the thing. I do do that stuff. All the time. 

Where is the line between being sensitive to overly-sensitive people and embracing the honest heart I was given? Where is sarcasm's place? Where do those rude things come from?

Buhhh. Lots to think about.

Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God.  

"Studying"

Dang. This is a bigger commitment than I thought, but imma still try to blog every day. Even though yesterday was a fail.

And so begins finals week. Buhhh. I'm drinking a Fitz's Diet Rootbeer while sitting in The Coffee Ethic in Springfield. The roommate and I decided to take a trip. A trip for cupcakes....and they were worth it.

Luckily, I don't have to get any higher than a 77 on any of my finals, BOOYA CHACKA. Still, that impending doom sort of feeling is sitting in my stomach at my fear of failure on them.

Go away down there, I don't like you.

Best part of this week thus far. Britney Spears dance party and Photobombing my friend with my roommate yesterday. I'll leave you guys with a few gems as I get back to studying.

Bahahaha, aren't we funny? :)

Promptings

Home, home on the.......suburbs......

Well yes, I am home, and as my friends here have been taunting, no, I'm STILL not done. But I did go to work training for my summer job today (hooray!).

And let me tell you, it's gonna rock. I'm getting to go to a few cool, freaking awesome places (North Carolina, and Georgia) and there are some sah-weet people working there--schmyeah.

Something that has definitely changed as I've been growing up is my affinity for new experiences. Begrudgingly I would pout my way through them, literally pouting. Arms crossed. A bleary-eyed frown. The whole enchilada.

I still pout sometimes. A lot actually. But, slooooowly I'm beginning to enjoy meeting new people and trying new things. I see the value in it now, new people and situations have a ton to offer. Those are the things that change me, the process sometimes SUH-UCKS, but I always end up wanting something new eventually. 

I've gotten to see some awesome people this weekend BTDubs. I appreciate my friends at home to no end. They are vastly different than my school friends. They think very differently and have nutso-ly unique passions like medicine and history and politics. 

It's reminded me of the joy of learning. I've spent this past year looking critically on my surroundings. and that's not always a bad thing. Coming home though, I am seeing the worth in learning to learn again. Of finding conclusions on things and digging deep. Not for the sake of being a better Christian, and not for the sake of being different from people. But of finding God to surpass my expectations and show me Truth. To create in me a hunger to abide in Him. I've lost that. 

I miss passion. Not only my own, but of those around me. And I don't think God-centered passion is just knowing the Bible well. I think it's being able to find God, or at least ask where He is, in the tangible everyday things of our lives, our culture, books, people. And I also think I've been saying that all semester. But i've spent so much time and energy pushing that idea rather than pursuing it. 

I don't want to be that person (sick nasty). 

I just enjoy being around people who cause me to think and challenge me as being wrong. Not because they're right, but because they see the flaws in my way of thinking. They want to know how I landed there, and push me to know why. It's wonderful to be on the other side of the pushing and be pushed. It's humbling and provoking. 

I'm looking forward to being home. I'm looking forward to promptings from relationships. 

As an excerpt of one of my favorite quotes says, "Stop pointing out problems, and become part of the solutions."

Ouch. Amen. Good night.