I've been thinking the past few days about the life I really want. Finally on my drive back to school on Sunday one word popped in my head. Rich. I want a rich life. Not in a cha-ching cha-ching kinda way, but full, meaningful, weighed heavily with value. And then the natural proceeding of questions settled in my brain--how does one define richness? How do we pursue a rich life? What is the rich life?
Two Sundays ago, sitting in the hard wooden pew of my church, Kevin Cawley planted a thought in me that I've been gnawing on like a bone since then. Where does anger/anxiety come from? He said they are rooted in the fear of losing something that we value. It comes from feeling threatened. And how often does what I do and how I act completely allude to that? Let me answer you, all the freaking time.
I believe in knowing why we do what we do. Motive is everything. And when I start to think about when I feel anger towards people or situations, I can feel the weight of fear coming with it most of the time. And even more so I see that for me, most of the times I feel threatened are when my security is threatened. I get protective and needy when I don't feel important or valued, I get snippy when my time is not spent how I choose, I get sassy when people make fun of the way I act, dress, or things I do, along with the tons of other idiosyncrasies I have developed from my fear of losing the things I cushion myself with.
The fact of it is, that anger and fear only comes when the things being threatened are gods to me. When the importance of my security, comfort, pride, etc. has exceedingly more value and promise to me than God Himself. Sick right? But so so true.
Twinsies have come into my life this semester. They are two of my favorite people I have ever met to date. And part of the reason is that I feel no threat from them. They are kind, funny people who love well and often. And it's completely natural. It's humbling to be around them and feel the freedom to be and enjoy things fully without the competitive monkey of comparison on my back. They are a gift.
And as I think about those friendships, I catch a glimpse of how a non-threatened life could be. A life where there isn't a need to be the best, feel the most important, have "the look," say the right thing, find the right person, or portray the right image. A life spent in complete rest, security, and thus, enjoyment. That's a God-centered life. Those things go so much deeper than situational emotions, they're a deep-seeded spirit within a person. The Twinsies seem to have some sort of Otherness about them. I want it.
Just because this pride and paganism manifests itself in security issues in me doesn't mean it isn't out there in a million other ways either. Most anger and I would dare to say all anxiety is completely rooted in the fear of things we value being threatened. When we value things so much more than the giver of them. Those moments just scream that we don't believe God is big enough. The holding onto other people, things, ideas, as being our hope does something to us. It creates monsters of self-sufficiency who would dare to do almost anything to stay well padded from actually needing God.
I finished the Narnia series this break, and in the last chapter of the last book the line, "further up and further in" is used a lot. In the book it's referring to the New Narnia, the allegorical portrayal of heaven, and as they keep running through it everything keeps getting bigger and more vast and all the more exciting rather than smaller and more finite. Sometimes I think that as I keep walking forward, life should become simpler and more concrete, but the further up and further in I go it just keeps getting more expansive. I'm afraid of it sometimes, I'm fearful that all the expanse is just too big and I'm never going to find anything rightly. But really, I think the opposite side of the coin is that if it kept getting smaller and narrower I would feel confined to the ideology and one-wayism I have desperately been trying to get away from.
I need God to continue showing me the expansiveness of going further up and in, while likewise knowing that He is standing right next to me being my hope that this isn't too much. Maybe that is part of the rich life. In my mind, I perceive richness as peace. The older I get the more I'm finding that the things we do are usually about the pursuit of contentedness, and rarely do they achieve that purpose. Peace comes from the Peacemaker I guess, who understand the bloodiness that needs to take place to actually have it. He understands that peace is hard, but ultimately it's worth whatever the loss or ripping out of. Peace is mentioned so much in the bible and I've never really looked at it as being something I deeply long for, but that's really it. It encompasses so much, rest, contentment, hope, joy, and more. It's a catchall word. So maybe the rich life is really a life of peace. Something to think about.....
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Ten
What is it about drizzling rain and 43 degree weather that begs for a mid-day Starbucks run? Whatever it is, I answered the call. I'm not an extremely impulsive person, but as of late I have become much more so when it comes to getting out of Bolivar. No particular reason why, I just really like coffee. And cities. And smog. Well, not really smog, but I like going places and not knowing people and being able to shrink into the background.
For some reason, this time of year brings out the nostalgic side of me. In the generic sort of ways as far as holidays some, but mainly for stages of life. Like the days when my best friend and I would just go sit in coffee shops for hours, eat Chick-Fil-A and sit in Barnes and Nobles for hours comparing books and authors. Those are some of my fondest memories. They were days of rest, thoughts, fun, and enjoyment. Sometimes I try to recreate the sensations of those days, but to no avail.
My mom has this 10-10-10 concept that I've heard for years when anxiety started creeping up on me. In ten days, this will probably be over, in ten weeks, this will be a memory, and in ten months, it's going to be a non-existent blip on the radar. Basically it is just a reminder that life is going to keep moving forward, and the hard stuff is going to become a story, and the good stuff is going to a fond reminiscence. And it's true. High school definitely had it's downs. My blatant insecurity, fear of not fitting in, and immature judgment. While I know those were there, they aren't in the forefront of my mind when reminded of those times. It's the good memories. Warm summer evenings playing volleyball until the lights turned off, hours spent in the sun on the lake, driving all over Kansas City for good coffee, that's what I remember.
This subject came up with a friend the other day, which is probably why my mind has gone there today. Sometimes I think I forget that this is a just a miniscule part of the big picture. In months, today won't be a big deal. Life keeps moving on, and the bad stuff will be distant, and the good will still be good. I think that's why God tells us not to worry so much. Because in His infiniteness He sees the big picture and knows that these little things, the messy relationships, that low test grade, your embarrassing fail of epic proportions, are all going to be over soon enough, and we'll move on.
I guess that's how life is meant to be though. We're not supposed to spend our time trying to recreate the past, or to freak out over the present, or anticipate the future. We're supposed to ask God to give us enough for today, and ask to see further down the road so we don't get so caught up in the todays. All of our todays will eventually be yesterdays. Bon Iver has this song called Holocene, I'm going to leave you with a line from it I have really liked lately. It just reminds me that I'm not really that big of a deal.
For some reason, this time of year brings out the nostalgic side of me. In the generic sort of ways as far as holidays some, but mainly for stages of life. Like the days when my best friend and I would just go sit in coffee shops for hours, eat Chick-Fil-A and sit in Barnes and Nobles for hours comparing books and authors. Those are some of my fondest memories. They were days of rest, thoughts, fun, and enjoyment. Sometimes I try to recreate the sensations of those days, but to no avail.
My mom has this 10-10-10 concept that I've heard for years when anxiety started creeping up on me. In ten days, this will probably be over, in ten weeks, this will be a memory, and in ten months, it's going to be a non-existent blip on the radar. Basically it is just a reminder that life is going to keep moving forward, and the hard stuff is going to become a story, and the good stuff is going to a fond reminiscence. And it's true. High school definitely had it's downs. My blatant insecurity, fear of not fitting in, and immature judgment. While I know those were there, they aren't in the forefront of my mind when reminded of those times. It's the good memories. Warm summer evenings playing volleyball until the lights turned off, hours spent in the sun on the lake, driving all over Kansas City for good coffee, that's what I remember.
This subject came up with a friend the other day, which is probably why my mind has gone there today. Sometimes I think I forget that this is a just a miniscule part of the big picture. In months, today won't be a big deal. Life keeps moving on, and the bad stuff will be distant, and the good will still be good. I think that's why God tells us not to worry so much. Because in His infiniteness He sees the big picture and knows that these little things, the messy relationships, that low test grade, your embarrassing fail of epic proportions, are all going to be over soon enough, and we'll move on.
I guess that's how life is meant to be though. We're not supposed to spend our time trying to recreate the past, or to freak out over the present, or anticipate the future. We're supposed to ask God to give us enough for today, and ask to see further down the road so we don't get so caught up in the todays. All of our todays will eventually be yesterdays. Bon Iver has this song called Holocene, I'm going to leave you with a line from it I have really liked lately. It just reminds me that I'm not really that big of a deal.
and at once I knew I was not magnificent
strayed above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Midnight Ramblings
It's midnight and I'm sitting on the sleeper sofa in the living room of our yearly rented cabin. That's right, it's October. Also synonymous with the Jackson's Silver Dollar City trip. The sounds of screaming children, Iron-workers clinking their ore, and food frying fill the air.
Although currently the only sounds I'm hearing is the cacophony of my brother-in-law and father trying to beat one another in a snoring contest via their respective rooms and my sister attempting to drown out the nasal-fest with Gilmore Girls.
As much as I enjoy this yearly jaunt of tradition, the thought in my mind tonight is further away from that. I've seen this quote floating around Pinterest lately and it just keeps settling back into my mind.
"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Sigh. How often does that completely encompass my way of life? I miss out on a lot because I let my fear of inadequacy force me into complacency. I allow myself to feel small and belittled by things that are medial. It's okay if I don't have "that girls" legs, or am not four inches taller. It's okay if I am not as laid back, or funny, or uninhibited as someone else. Granted, that can easily become an excuse for a lack of willingness to try. But there's got to be a balance doesn't there?
I'm reading this book right now and the main character's grandmother is succumbing to. dementia. At one point her mother reminds her to treat her grandmother with dignity.
Dignity. Where is that word in our current day vernacular? It's a small, unidentifiable concept that we have completely lost the art of enacting. A couple of summers ago I lead a Beth Moore study of her book So Long Insecurity, and she referred to this topic a lot.
The gist of it is, is that I don't really know how to treat people with dignity or to give it to myself. Especially in this funny place of college where we're all beginning to make big life choices that may or may not be the same, and affect our lives very differently. Rather than remaining confident that regardless of my whereabouts now, God sees beyond the process, and will lead me to the end, I get defensive and choose to belittle other people. To lessen their value so I can cover myself with false confidence. Boo me.
In her book, Beth talks about learning to see each other within the eyes of equal value. And I guess it goes so much further than even insecurity. My sister has a new job teaching in the inner city and I love listening to her stories of her little sixth graders. She gets this beautiful position of choosing to see these children for what they are; children, not from a "bad part" of town, not "projects" and not less than her. They are babies that act a little too big for their britches sometimes, who say funny things, are smart, and love her in return. She gets to teach them that regardless of the hatefulness in the world, we can choose to do something about it. We can choose to let go of our i've-got-this-going-for-me-so-I-am-above-you mentality and choose to remember that we are all souls. That's what C.S. Lewis reminded me of when he said, "we are all souls walking around, you have never spoken to a mere mortal."
My mind gets so clouded with "he said/she said," and sarcasm and cynicism is way easier to cultivate than compassion and silence. And let me tell you, I suck at being silent when I have something bad to say....it comes outta me like lava (Bridesmaids reference). So here's the thing, I don't really know how to change.
From my last post y'all can see I'm in an interesting place, and it's hard to keep being honest, because I want to settle here. i want so badly to allow complacency to gently lull me into monotony. And in a lot of ways I still am, but this is a baby step. I want to choose to think better. I want to ask God what that means, and have a clear heart about it. I want to do it for everyone around me who I claim to love, and I want to do it because it's important to look beyond myself. There is something greater out there than serving my own purposes. So here's to shutting up and letting God teach me how to love well.
Although currently the only sounds I'm hearing is the cacophony of my brother-in-law and father trying to beat one another in a snoring contest via their respective rooms and my sister attempting to drown out the nasal-fest with Gilmore Girls.
As much as I enjoy this yearly jaunt of tradition, the thought in my mind tonight is further away from that. I've seen this quote floating around Pinterest lately and it just keeps settling back into my mind.
"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Sigh. How often does that completely encompass my way of life? I miss out on a lot because I let my fear of inadequacy force me into complacency. I allow myself to feel small and belittled by things that are medial. It's okay if I don't have "that girls" legs, or am not four inches taller. It's okay if I am not as laid back, or funny, or uninhibited as someone else. Granted, that can easily become an excuse for a lack of willingness to try. But there's got to be a balance doesn't there?
I'm reading this book right now and the main character's grandmother is succumbing to. dementia. At one point her mother reminds her to treat her grandmother with dignity.
Dignity. Where is that word in our current day vernacular? It's a small, unidentifiable concept that we have completely lost the art of enacting. A couple of summers ago I lead a Beth Moore study of her book So Long Insecurity, and she referred to this topic a lot.
The gist of it is, is that I don't really know how to treat people with dignity or to give it to myself. Especially in this funny place of college where we're all beginning to make big life choices that may or may not be the same, and affect our lives very differently. Rather than remaining confident that regardless of my whereabouts now, God sees beyond the process, and will lead me to the end, I get defensive and choose to belittle other people. To lessen their value so I can cover myself with false confidence. Boo me.
In her book, Beth talks about learning to see each other within the eyes of equal value. And I guess it goes so much further than even insecurity. My sister has a new job teaching in the inner city and I love listening to her stories of her little sixth graders. She gets this beautiful position of choosing to see these children for what they are; children, not from a "bad part" of town, not "projects" and not less than her. They are babies that act a little too big for their britches sometimes, who say funny things, are smart, and love her in return. She gets to teach them that regardless of the hatefulness in the world, we can choose to do something about it. We can choose to let go of our i've-got-this-going-for-me-so-I-am-above-you mentality and choose to remember that we are all souls. That's what C.S. Lewis reminded me of when he said, "we are all souls walking around, you have never spoken to a mere mortal."
My mind gets so clouded with "he said/she said," and sarcasm and cynicism is way easier to cultivate than compassion and silence. And let me tell you, I suck at being silent when I have something bad to say....it comes outta me like lava (Bridesmaids reference). So here's the thing, I don't really know how to change.
From my last post y'all can see I'm in an interesting place, and it's hard to keep being honest, because I want to settle here. i want so badly to allow complacency to gently lull me into monotony. And in a lot of ways I still am, but this is a baby step. I want to choose to think better. I want to ask God what that means, and have a clear heart about it. I want to do it for everyone around me who I claim to love, and I want to do it because it's important to look beyond myself. There is something greater out there than serving my own purposes. So here's to shutting up and letting God teach me how to love well.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Interworkings of an Angry Heart
I'm hesitant to post this, it's ugly and hard, but I want people to see the reality of my journey. Maybe other people don't land where I am, but regardless I have landed here, and I'm choosing to be honest about it because it's too big for me.
Here goes. Y'all I've been mad at God. I still am. I feel like I've been waiting and waiting for Him to show up and give me some sort of clue that I'm doing things right, and I got tired of looking and waiting. It's a disappointing, sad, crappy feeling that caused me to give up these past few weeks. I haven't tried, and I haven't wanted to care. The absolutely frustrating thing is, I still do care. I'm sad. I'm sad that I haven't wanted God, I'm sad that I stopped trying, I'm sad that this feels hopeless....nonetheless those are all true statements.
And as easy as it's been to justify it, I had to come clean, it's been eating away at my soul. Slowly and surely, like one of those bugs that injects poison into its prey, but doesn't quite kill it, so the thing being consumed gets to watch the gruesome process of consumption by the enemy. I've been watching this hopelessness come over me as if I were inoculated. Even worse, I had complete ability to choose to look up, but my pride and anger didn't let me. So i've been stewing.
I haven't been in any positions to hear from God in the past month, I haven't asked, or waited, I just ignored, allowed other things to come in and widen the gap, and it's been fun in some ways. It's fun to ignore responsibility and live on impulse. It's fun to live an indulgently free life, until the reality sets in that that isn't a reality. For a long time now I've been asking what it is to live a slow life. One where I'm steadily pacing with God and not letting the day-to-day overwhelm me. But somewhere in all of this, I have substituted a slow life for a shallow life. Not in the things that I'm doing per-say but by the things I'm sacrificing for the things I'm doing.
I've let fear creep in and warrant impatience, hatred of judgment slip to judgment from myself, desires for peace be overtaken by the insistence of ease, and understanding be masked by self-righteous anger. The worst part is, I thought I was better than all of that....which is probably where this all came from. Life became about me and getting my way, it became about the pursuit of happiness rather than the pursuit of God.
I'm hesitant to need God right now, my view of Him has become rather jaded. My mom yesterday said, "I've done mad at God two ways, the first, to ignore Him and do it my way, the second to keep my eyes up, and let me tell you, the first way never gets you anywhere." She's right. I've been doing mad at God by looking at me and choosing my way. And man, if this post doesn't show you how ugly it's made me, then maybe a cynical conversation will. Because right now, there is not a lot of light in me.
I say it a lot, but it's because I keep coming back to the same conclusions, this time even deeper than previously. I need God, not the God I've had portrayed in my mind lately, and not some God that let's me do whatever I want, the Right God. I just need the God that let's me hope in His mercy right now. Where that is a reality and I can sink into a cloud of grace. Not knowing how to change, but knowing that He is still there. And that regardless of my selfish, egotistic, hateful actions lately, He is big enough to overcome it all, and chooses to willingly, because He's not like me. He's gotta change my mind right now, because I'm pretty bogged down by some falsities.
I told ya it was gonna get heavy. I hope more than anything that this doesn't stir fear or pity in you, but rather evokes grace and understanding. I don't need direction or answers, but love and patience. God will do a good work in me. I don't know how or when, but I'm tired of looking in. It empties me. Pray for me, pray for Him to move my mind elsewhere from myself, and to create in me a new heart.
Here goes. Y'all I've been mad at God. I still am. I feel like I've been waiting and waiting for Him to show up and give me some sort of clue that I'm doing things right, and I got tired of looking and waiting. It's a disappointing, sad, crappy feeling that caused me to give up these past few weeks. I haven't tried, and I haven't wanted to care. The absolutely frustrating thing is, I still do care. I'm sad. I'm sad that I haven't wanted God, I'm sad that I stopped trying, I'm sad that this feels hopeless....nonetheless those are all true statements.
And as easy as it's been to justify it, I had to come clean, it's been eating away at my soul. Slowly and surely, like one of those bugs that injects poison into its prey, but doesn't quite kill it, so the thing being consumed gets to watch the gruesome process of consumption by the enemy. I've been watching this hopelessness come over me as if I were inoculated. Even worse, I had complete ability to choose to look up, but my pride and anger didn't let me. So i've been stewing.
I haven't been in any positions to hear from God in the past month, I haven't asked, or waited, I just ignored, allowed other things to come in and widen the gap, and it's been fun in some ways. It's fun to ignore responsibility and live on impulse. It's fun to live an indulgently free life, until the reality sets in that that isn't a reality. For a long time now I've been asking what it is to live a slow life. One where I'm steadily pacing with God and not letting the day-to-day overwhelm me. But somewhere in all of this, I have substituted a slow life for a shallow life. Not in the things that I'm doing per-say but by the things I'm sacrificing for the things I'm doing.
I've let fear creep in and warrant impatience, hatred of judgment slip to judgment from myself, desires for peace be overtaken by the insistence of ease, and understanding be masked by self-righteous anger. The worst part is, I thought I was better than all of that....which is probably where this all came from. Life became about me and getting my way, it became about the pursuit of happiness rather than the pursuit of God.
I'm hesitant to need God right now, my view of Him has become rather jaded. My mom yesterday said, "I've done mad at God two ways, the first, to ignore Him and do it my way, the second to keep my eyes up, and let me tell you, the first way never gets you anywhere." She's right. I've been doing mad at God by looking at me and choosing my way. And man, if this post doesn't show you how ugly it's made me, then maybe a cynical conversation will. Because right now, there is not a lot of light in me.
I say it a lot, but it's because I keep coming back to the same conclusions, this time even deeper than previously. I need God, not the God I've had portrayed in my mind lately, and not some God that let's me do whatever I want, the Right God. I just need the God that let's me hope in His mercy right now. Where that is a reality and I can sink into a cloud of grace. Not knowing how to change, but knowing that He is still there. And that regardless of my selfish, egotistic, hateful actions lately, He is big enough to overcome it all, and chooses to willingly, because He's not like me. He's gotta change my mind right now, because I'm pretty bogged down by some falsities.
I told ya it was gonna get heavy. I hope more than anything that this doesn't stir fear or pity in you, but rather evokes grace and understanding. I don't need direction or answers, but love and patience. God will do a good work in me. I don't know how or when, but I'm tired of looking in. It empties me. Pray for me, pray for Him to move my mind elsewhere from myself, and to create in me a new heart.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Further Along
Why do I always write when it rains? Weird.
Life has just been a'rollin and a'shakin lately. It feels like a game of tetris, no matter if I'm done with the last piece, the next one is coming and I have to do something with it. I'm speeding down a hill with so much momentum, no clue how I'm going to stop. WahhhahhhhhhhAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Busyness usually bugs me, and I've had a few fits where people have graciously sat through Whine-fest 2011, but for the most part, I feel like I've just been doing the next thing. These past few weeks seem to have been a lot of blazing new trails, a lot of life has just been smacking me in the face and waiting for me to put up my dukes and make something of the experiences.
It's been hard. And confusing. Sometimes when I'm facing so much newness I wonder if I'm doing anything right, and it's been a lot of situations where I don't know what "right" is anymore. Is right pleasing the people around me? Is it forgoing all their expectations and doing whatever the heck I want? And then I'm right back to the reality that I'm around a lot of people messing a lot of things up right now and it scares me. I don't know what the right questions are, or even how to find them.
In 11 days I will have been writing on this blog for a year. Before I started writing today I read over that post. I wrote of wanting to end complacency, wanting different, and a place to challenge myself to do so. I remember thinking when I wrote that post, "I wonder where I'll be in a year." And here I am.
It's hard to measure growth. In some ways I look back to last year and I think I had it much more together then, but then I remember the fear I had to actually ask questions that would shake my world, I wanted to but I honestly didn't now what that even meant. Now, my norms have been challenged, life has moved forward and dragged me along and with that, came a biting reality of hurt, fear, inadequacy, and questions. And I feel way less together than I ever was last year.
God has been big this year, and regardless of my antsy-ness to make it through this season of abstractivity (yes, I made that up, don't judge), I think this is what I've needed. I longed for something so different than what I had. And He gave it to me. And sometimes I refuse to let Him in it, but man, looking through 365 days, He showed up anyway. He's like that. Rude.
I know it's cheesy to write a blogiversary post, but it's good for me. I know not a lot of people read this, but that has never really been the point. This has been a place for me to grow. And to have a place to get some perspective on my mess. I feel no more established now than I did then, probably even less so. But I feel confident, confident that God is still gonna be there in a year, regardless of what happens, more sure that Strength will overcome, surer of the beauty of a messy life. It's not that I enjoy my life feeling so not together, but it's way more Good this way.
My roommate and I have spent so much time together recently. She's the bomb. I love her because she's so normal, and I don't have to have anything together around her. She makes me laugh, and lets me scream, and allows me to figure stuff out without judgment, question, or fear, and man, that's what I call grace. It's been a grace to be her roommate, to see God use her to let me move, whether it be forward or backward, and to know that that love will be constant.
Seeing God in the little things is kinda been a theme lately. It's been awesome to see Him in my small group. I've been asking the question for a long time of what I should do with what He's shown me to be so true, especially when I feel so alone in it here. Then two weeks ago I got to sit there and just let them know that I want to be the safe landing place for them that I haven't had. I tried to convey the willingness I have to live a messy life with them, and to not be afraid of the process. It was one of those BOO-YAH moments of getting to see the last year make a little sense.
So while it still feels like the world is compressing in on me sometimes, it's not bothering me right now. For some reason, God has made me sure of His goodness in the messy stuff. And He has reminding me of it a lot lately in little things.
This is a long post, thanks for bearing with me....well, if you did. I'm a year further in life, a whole lot more screwed up, but also a whole lot more sure of who God is, and I think that's why messiness is so appealing. I'm leaving with the quote that initiated my blog. It's a good reminder to me of why I do this, why I'm okay with a harder life, why I'm asking questions, and why I'm not settling for something cheap.
Thank God for the grace to screw up a lot of stuff and get to believe in His goodness anyway.
Life has just been a'rollin and a'shakin lately. It feels like a game of tetris, no matter if I'm done with the last piece, the next one is coming and I have to do something with it. I'm speeding down a hill with so much momentum, no clue how I'm going to stop. WahhhahhhhhhhAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Busyness usually bugs me, and I've had a few fits where people have graciously sat through Whine-fest 2011, but for the most part, I feel like I've just been doing the next thing. These past few weeks seem to have been a lot of blazing new trails, a lot of life has just been smacking me in the face and waiting for me to put up my dukes and make something of the experiences.
It's been hard. And confusing. Sometimes when I'm facing so much newness I wonder if I'm doing anything right, and it's been a lot of situations where I don't know what "right" is anymore. Is right pleasing the people around me? Is it forgoing all their expectations and doing whatever the heck I want? And then I'm right back to the reality that I'm around a lot of people messing a lot of things up right now and it scares me. I don't know what the right questions are, or even how to find them.
In 11 days I will have been writing on this blog for a year. Before I started writing today I read over that post. I wrote of wanting to end complacency, wanting different, and a place to challenge myself to do so. I remember thinking when I wrote that post, "I wonder where I'll be in a year." And here I am.
It's hard to measure growth. In some ways I look back to last year and I think I had it much more together then, but then I remember the fear I had to actually ask questions that would shake my world, I wanted to but I honestly didn't now what that even meant. Now, my norms have been challenged, life has moved forward and dragged me along and with that, came a biting reality of hurt, fear, inadequacy, and questions. And I feel way less together than I ever was last year.
God has been big this year, and regardless of my antsy-ness to make it through this season of abstractivity (yes, I made that up, don't judge), I think this is what I've needed. I longed for something so different than what I had. And He gave it to me. And sometimes I refuse to let Him in it, but man, looking through 365 days, He showed up anyway. He's like that. Rude.
I know it's cheesy to write a blogiversary post, but it's good for me. I know not a lot of people read this, but that has never really been the point. This has been a place for me to grow. And to have a place to get some perspective on my mess. I feel no more established now than I did then, probably even less so. But I feel confident, confident that God is still gonna be there in a year, regardless of what happens, more sure that Strength will overcome, surer of the beauty of a messy life. It's not that I enjoy my life feeling so not together, but it's way more Good this way.
My roommate and I have spent so much time together recently. She's the bomb. I love her because she's so normal, and I don't have to have anything together around her. She makes me laugh, and lets me scream, and allows me to figure stuff out without judgment, question, or fear, and man, that's what I call grace. It's been a grace to be her roommate, to see God use her to let me move, whether it be forward or backward, and to know that that love will be constant.
Seeing God in the little things is kinda been a theme lately. It's been awesome to see Him in my small group. I've been asking the question for a long time of what I should do with what He's shown me to be so true, especially when I feel so alone in it here. Then two weeks ago I got to sit there and just let them know that I want to be the safe landing place for them that I haven't had. I tried to convey the willingness I have to live a messy life with them, and to not be afraid of the process. It was one of those BOO-YAH moments of getting to see the last year make a little sense.
So while it still feels like the world is compressing in on me sometimes, it's not bothering me right now. For some reason, God has made me sure of His goodness in the messy stuff. And He has reminding me of it a lot lately in little things.
This is a long post, thanks for bearing with me....well, if you did. I'm a year further in life, a whole lot more screwed up, but also a whole lot more sure of who God is, and I think that's why messiness is so appealing. I'm leaving with the quote that initiated my blog. It's a good reminder to me of why I do this, why I'm okay with a harder life, why I'm asking questions, and why I'm not settling for something cheap.
Thank God for the grace to screw up a lot of stuff and get to believe in His goodness anyway.
“Spirituality is not about competency; it is about intimacy… Messy spirituality has the audacity to suggest that messiness is the workshop of authentic spirituality, the greenhouse of faith, the place where the real Jesus meets the real us.” –Mike Yaconelli
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Questions
Dude. I'm feeling a little gutsy. Beware of what's about to come out of my mouth fingers.
Week one of school. Check.
So I get back to my room tonight, take my first breath of the week (chyeah, it was THAT busy), and fell apart. Not because it was bad either. How's that for being a girl?
My mom on numerous occasions has told me that this is the time of life where the concrete things that I've known about life become abstract. And this week more than any has made me wanna put all the pieces back together. To make sense of the abstractiveness. But that's breaking the rules I guess, because no matter how well I coach myself (and I'm a pretty good coach if I do say so myself), I'm still super confused.
I like college. I like being around people my age, meeting lots of new people, and having a social life available to me almost whenever I want. But man, it's hard. It's hard being around 2,000 people all questioning life....and if they aren't, feeling annoyed by their lack of care in it when I'm suffering so much from it. How dare people have it more together than me.
It's gotten dang-near impossible to be okay with questions for me. I don't know how to do this, to ask so many questions and feel as if I'm gaining no ground on finding answers. It sucks.
One of the big ones has just been stupid insecurity. I'm sick of feeling inferior because I can't be okay with how I am. Now most girls I know have the IfIjustlose10poundsmentality disease, but it's nearly impossible to think rightly after that guy settles in (think Mucinex commercials). There is a part that has to ask the question about being healthy, but is it worth doing it if you're mind goes Black Swan on you and distorts the good? And in that case, do you not do it at all for fear of messing it up? And even then, where does being satisfied with who you are come into all of that? See....my mind just never stops.
The other big question guy lurking around these days is about balance. How does that work man? How do I pick and choose? Classes are kicking my butt right now, and it's only been a week. So much homework and learning that I don't feel capable of. On top of it all, there is the extras that I'm super excited for, but right now just seem kinda ominous. How do I decide what's "best"? I think I can handle it, but how am I supposed to deal with feeling overwhelmed sometimes?
So. Many. Questions.
And they aren't going away, I feel like the nature of EVERYTHING right now is question after question and a lot of ambiguous answers, if any. And I'm terrified of getting it wrong. I'm scared of not knowing too. How does that work?
Man, I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense, and I don't know how it's gonna in the end. God help me.
I just need to vomit up all the scary stuff. I'm sick of putting a brave face on when I'm scared cussless. It's cathartic. And it makes me feel like a real person. I love reading blogs where they're honest, it makes sense to me to be scared, and messed up, and to just believe God will come into it. That just makes sense. So maybe that's a comfort to you. Maybe not.
Week one of school. Check.
So I get back to my room tonight, take my first breath of the week (chyeah, it was THAT busy), and fell apart. Not because it was bad either. How's that for being a girl?
My mom on numerous occasions has told me that this is the time of life where the concrete things that I've known about life become abstract. And this week more than any has made me wanna put all the pieces back together. To make sense of the abstractiveness. But that's breaking the rules I guess, because no matter how well I coach myself (and I'm a pretty good coach if I do say so myself), I'm still super confused.
I like college. I like being around people my age, meeting lots of new people, and having a social life available to me almost whenever I want. But man, it's hard. It's hard being around 2,000 people all questioning life....and if they aren't, feeling annoyed by their lack of care in it when I'm suffering so much from it. How dare people have it more together than me.
It's gotten dang-near impossible to be okay with questions for me. I don't know how to do this, to ask so many questions and feel as if I'm gaining no ground on finding answers. It sucks.
One of the big ones has just been stupid insecurity. I'm sick of feeling inferior because I can't be okay with how I am. Now most girls I know have the IfIjustlose10pounds
The other big question guy lurking around these days is about balance. How does that work man? How do I pick and choose? Classes are kicking my butt right now, and it's only been a week. So much homework and learning that I don't feel capable of. On top of it all, there is the extras that I'm super excited for, but right now just seem kinda ominous. How do I decide what's "best"? I think I can handle it, but how am I supposed to deal with feeling overwhelmed sometimes?
So. Many. Questions.
And they aren't going away, I feel like the nature of EVERYTHING right now is question after question and a lot of ambiguous answers, if any. And I'm terrified of getting it wrong. I'm scared of not knowing too. How does that work?
Man, I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense, and I don't know how it's gonna in the end. God help me.
I just need to vomit up all the scary stuff. I'm sick of putting a brave face on when I'm scared cussless. It's cathartic. And it makes me feel like a real person. I love reading blogs where they're honest, it makes sense to me to be scared, and messed up, and to just believe God will come into it. That just makes sense. So maybe that's a comfort to you. Maybe not.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Help, I Need Somebody
It's the beginning again. I'm back in the same room, with the same roommate, on the same hall, amongst (many of) the same people (how's that for prepositional phrases?), yet it feels so different. That's the odd thing about life these days, the only consistent thing is change. And I honestly haven't had the best attitude about it.
A lot of things excite me about this year, I'm excited for trying new activities, getting into my major more, being with my roommate, and my small group. But the fear of moving into the unknown scares the cuss out of me. I am not the best at jumping aboard the change ship. I'm trying to be better about this. The honest truth is that I would rather stay in my not-the-best comfort than risk that for better. Better means scary....and I don't do scary.
Like I said, I need an attitude adjustment.
The past 4 days I've been here I've noticed my fear unabashedly rearing it's ugly head and taking over me. It's frustrating. When I'm scared like that I'm usually not very nice, and that's frustrating too.
I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day reading "don't let comparison steal your joy." It goes beyond comparison for me, I let a lot of things steal my joy. And I'm tired of it....I feel robbed by my inability to fight for my joy and truth. I admire people who are so good at dreaming and looking forward with hope and taking today as it comes with peaceful, contented hearts....I so deeply desire for that to be me. I desire for a restful dignity that allows room for people to be and figure out their messes. I want a heart of mercy and compassion that chooses to look for the God in things rather than whether or not I get my way or if it's going to be easy.
I feel like I say all this a lot, I want to live life fully. In "The Cave," Mumford and Sons says, "I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be," it's actually written on a gorgeous painting on my wall. For months I just have wanted to find how to live well...and I'm just asking God about it a lot right now. The thing at this point that I'm absolutely sure of is that I need God...a lot. I need Him to come into this, to help me see things well, to help me walk into my anxiety, and to help remove my fear...to just help.
I'm frustrated of needing help this desperately, but part of me just wants to see where this leads to. I am being faithful to His goodness. I guess sometimes I write to remind myself. I forget what I know about Him, I forget to believe in the big picture. And that's a huge reason why I have this blog, to document moments when I know that I know; to be able to see the glimpses of His persistence in my life and bringing me to good places. Even though I don't see the good place yet, I am choosing to believe in it anyway, and I'm asking to be able to keep my joy.
I bring this up a lot, but the Lion Chasers Manifesto is something my best friend sent to me a few years ago, and it's my constant reminder to keep moving forward...so I'm ending once again with this excerpt. May it bless you.
A lot of things excite me about this year, I'm excited for trying new activities, getting into my major more, being with my roommate, and my small group. But the fear of moving into the unknown scares the cuss out of me. I am not the best at jumping aboard the change ship. I'm trying to be better about this. The honest truth is that I would rather stay in my not-the-best comfort than risk that for better. Better means scary....and I don't do scary.
Like I said, I need an attitude adjustment.
The past 4 days I've been here I've noticed my fear unabashedly rearing it's ugly head and taking over me. It's frustrating. When I'm scared like that I'm usually not very nice, and that's frustrating too.
I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day reading "don't let comparison steal your joy." It goes beyond comparison for me, I let a lot of things steal my joy. And I'm tired of it....I feel robbed by my inability to fight for my joy and truth. I admire people who are so good at dreaming and looking forward with hope and taking today as it comes with peaceful, contented hearts....I so deeply desire for that to be me. I desire for a restful dignity that allows room for people to be and figure out their messes. I want a heart of mercy and compassion that chooses to look for the God in things rather than whether or not I get my way or if it's going to be easy.
I feel like I say all this a lot, I want to live life fully. In "The Cave," Mumford and Sons says, "I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be," it's actually written on a gorgeous painting on my wall. For months I just have wanted to find how to live well...and I'm just asking God about it a lot right now. The thing at this point that I'm absolutely sure of is that I need God...a lot. I need Him to come into this, to help me see things well, to help me walk into my anxiety, and to help remove my fear...to just help.
I'm frustrated of needing help this desperately, but part of me just wants to see where this leads to. I am being faithful to His goodness. I guess sometimes I write to remind myself. I forget what I know about Him, I forget to believe in the big picture. And that's a huge reason why I have this blog, to document moments when I know that I know; to be able to see the glimpses of His persistence in my life and bringing me to good places. Even though I don't see the good place yet, I am choosing to believe in it anyway, and I'm asking to be able to keep my joy.
I bring this up a lot, but the Lion Chasers Manifesto is something my best friend sent to me a few years ago, and it's my constant reminder to keep moving forward...so I'm ending once again with this excerpt. May it bless you.
Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Criticize by creating. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion.
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