Saturday, September 17, 2011

Further Along

Why do I always write when it rains? Weird.

Life has just been a'rollin and a'shakin lately. It feels like a game of tetris, no matter if I'm done with the last piece, the next one is coming and I have to do something with it. I'm speeding down a hill with so much momentum, no clue how I'm going to stop. WahhhahhhhhhhAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Busyness usually bugs me, and I've had a few fits where people have graciously sat through Whine-fest 2011, but for the most part, I feel like I've just been doing the next thing. These past few weeks seem to have been a lot of blazing new trails, a lot of life has just been smacking me in the face and waiting for me to put up my dukes and make something of the experiences.

It's been hard. And confusing. Sometimes when I'm facing so much newness I wonder if I'm doing anything right, and it's been a lot of situations where I don't know what "right" is anymore. Is right pleasing the people around me? Is it forgoing all their expectations and doing whatever the heck I want? And then I'm right back to the reality that I'm around a lot of people messing a lot of things up right now and it scares me. I don't know what the right questions are, or even how to find them.

In 11 days I will have been writing on this blog for a year. Before I started writing today I read over that post. I wrote of wanting to end complacency, wanting different, and a place to challenge myself to do so. I remember thinking when I wrote that post, "I wonder where I'll be in a year." And here I am.

It's hard to measure growth. In some ways I look back to last year and I think I had it much more together then, but then I remember the fear I had to actually ask questions that would shake my world, I wanted to but I honestly didn't now what that even meant. Now, my norms have been challenged, life has moved forward and dragged me along and with that, came a biting reality of hurt, fear, inadequacy, and questions. And I feel way less together than I ever was last year.

God has been big this year, and regardless of my antsy-ness to make it through this season of abstractivity (yes, I made that up, don't judge), I think this is what I've needed. I longed for something so different than what I had. And He gave it to me. And sometimes I refuse to let Him in it, but man, looking through 365 days, He showed up anyway. He's like that. Rude.

I know it's cheesy to write a blogiversary post, but it's good for me. I know not a lot of people read this, but that has never really been the point. This has been a place for me to grow. And to have a place to get some perspective on my mess. I feel no more established now than I did then, probably even less so. But I feel confident, confident that God is still gonna be there in a year, regardless of what happens, more sure that Strength will overcome, surer of the beauty of a messy life. It's not that I enjoy my life feeling so not together, but it's way more Good this way.

My roommate and I have spent so much time together recently. She's the bomb. I love her because she's so normal, and I don't have to have anything together around her. She makes me laugh, and lets me scream, and allows me to figure stuff out without judgment, question, or fear, and man, that's what I call grace. It's been a grace to be her roommate, to see God use her to let me move, whether it be forward or backward, and to know that that love will be constant.

Seeing God in the little things is kinda been a theme lately. It's been awesome to see Him in my small group. I've been asking the question for a long time of what I should do with what He's shown me to be so true, especially when I feel so alone in it here. Then two weeks ago I got to sit there and just let them know that I want to be the safe landing place for them that I haven't had. I tried to convey the willingness I have to live a messy life with them, and to not be afraid of the process. It was one of those BOO-YAH moments of getting to see the last year make a little sense.

So while it still feels like the world is compressing in on me sometimes, it's not bothering me right now. For some reason, God has made me sure of His goodness in the messy stuff. And He has reminding me of it a lot lately in little things.

This is a long post, thanks for bearing with me....well, if you did. I'm a year further in life, a whole lot more screwed up, but also a whole lot more sure of who God is, and I think that's why messiness is so appealing. I'm leaving with the quote that initiated my blog. It's a good reminder to me of why I do this, why I'm okay with a harder life, why I'm asking questions, and why I'm not settling for something cheap.

Thank God for the grace to screw up a lot of stuff and get to believe in His goodness anyway.

“Spirituality is not about competency; it is about intimacy… Messy spirituality has the audacity to suggest that messiness is the workshop of authentic spirituality, the greenhouse of faith, the place where the real Jesus meets the real us.” –Mike Yaconelli