Monday, February 25, 2013

Stick. Gloves. Shirt

That's right players I just quoted the Mighty Ducks.

Except the story of my life right now is more like: Resumes. Suits. Interviews.

May 18th is encroaching, and with the the looming fact that I need a job. I just got done with an "Interview Blitz", so I'm rewarding myself with a vanilla latte.

Every time a professor tells me that I need to wear slacks to a class event I want to vomit. Who invented slacks. It's one of those words that the more you say it, the weirder it sounds. Slacks slacks slacks. Mehhhhhh. I don't even own slacks. And I digress.

If you know me even a smidge, you probably know that all I want to do is own a coffee shop. My own peaceful entrepreneurial acreage of french roast and ceramic mugs. Far away from the land of slacks.

As I spend my afternoons on websites like Monster (which I never thought I'd be on), I just keep thinking of how daunting all of this is. How does one find a job? How does one graduate? People do it all the time, but somehow it is still some ethereal abyss of ambiguity. There's no five step process. There's no rule book. One just does it.

I just got good at college. Bolivar got a coffee shop. I have a house and roommate and dog. And in 2 1/2 short months that reality swiftly becomes a memory. Most of my conversations these days revert to this thought. And those in the same boat as me express the same sadness and nostalgia, but then we also speak of the excitement of what's to come.

C.S. Lewis said there are far far better things ahead than we leave behind. Which I suppose should be comforting since this all has been so wonderful, but the elation is eclipsed by the fear of the unknown. And I remember this feeling, exactly 4 years ago in fact. I'm not good with the unknown. I like to be able to form expectations. To lean on a concrete circumstance. And up until now I have been able to do that.

It's not that I'm afraid of not finding a job or not "making it". Honestly. The only thing I'm afraid of is change. My life is full of familiar things. And I find so much rest in familiarity. With friendships, homes, routines. There is something so easing about knowing that you have a good thing going and you can count on that. As much as I am able to excuse myself from having to believe in future good by hiding behind my personality, I have to stop absolving myself from my lack of faith. My lack of belief that the Lord knows my future familiarity just like He knew four years ago that I would be sitting here in the Bean and looking fondly on college.

Every new experience stops being new at some point. I want to stop ascribing so much weight to my circumstances and rest in the consistency of my Father being good to me. Good to pulling through hard and providing respites. I'm expecting the next year to be hard, because regardless of my best intention, I am always prone to having difficulty rolling with change. I want to lean hard into Him and his superseding glory. Because by my dragging my feet or being worried, I am screaming that my situation is more important than His absolute goodness. I am proclaiming that I don't trust His good is good enough.

Rereading One Thousand Gifts, she talks about leaning into time. We are never going to have more of it. And the way to make the most of it is to lean hard into the current moment. Here in the present is where I am able to worship. I can't reform the past and the future is fleeting, but now I can be where I am at and be looking for Him. I pay homage by paying attention.

So while I never want to wear a suit, own a leather briefcase, or be in a cubicle again, I do want to pay attention to where I am. I want to lean hard into now, enjoy the Bachelor watching, health food talking, party planning days I am in, knowing that the joy from those things is not rooted in those things, but in the Lord fulfilling desires through unexpected means.

And I need a job. Anyone hiring?

Saturday, February 16, 2013


Many times in the past month I've had some fleeting idea and I would think "I could blog about that".

But then I didn't.

So here we are on a nice free Saturday, and I can't remember all of the things I wanted to blog about....such as it is. I'll just tell you the things I do remember.

I do remember that I am going to Florida in four weeks for my last Spring Break. It's also going to include the Local Natives in Nashville, which psyches me out man. It's also going to include really great friends. It's also going to include a mini van. Ridin dirty.

I do remember that our dog went to the vet yesterday after finagling her way into a half bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips on Valentines day. Poor thing. I understand baby, you think chocolate will make it better, but then you just end up foaming at the mouth and seemingly even more like a lost cause than before.

I do remember that my bro-friend Seth and I had a conversation the other week about weight distribution. And not of the thigh vs. muffin top kind. The kind that has to do with friendships and not seeing them as if they're on some weighted scale. Like to allot more weight to one person, you have to subtract weight from the other. Which is where my mind tends to go. Moreso that I tend to feel as if that is happening to me. It's not Gospel-centered to feel that way. All that thought process does is cause me to feel insecure and disposable. Both of which have been taunting me lately. I miss things when I am caught up in false-grief over friendships. get I inside my head and become sensitive, looking for the ways that I can pinpoint feeling like I'm not wanted. The Gospel says that I have nothing to prove to anyone and they don't have to prove anything to me and it manifests itself through freedom in relationships with people, freedom to speak our minds, laugh, repent. I'm praying for a righter mind in this, more compassion, less insecurity, more rest, less mental run-arounds.

I also remember that I got flowers for Valentines day. Call me cliche, but flowers rank up there with all time favorite things. They are organic, vibrant, simple, diverse, they simply enthrall me. This happy bouquet was a simple grace to me.

I do remember that I'm re-readying One Thousand Gifts. Trying to engrain in myself to remember to see the graces like flowers. And to foster gratefulness. The Gospel breeds gratefulness, which then causes me to not live in the cycle above. My fickle eyes glance to and fro and miss the blatant goodness right in front of me. I want to really see, to be looking for the beauty, to see the Giver.

I do remember that a few of my friends have picked up A Severe Mercy, my all-time favorite book. I love when people love the things I love. Especially that book. I could talk all day about how good it is. My roommate's beau told me he'd give me five bucks if I could name 600 things I love about that book. I dare say had I had the time, and it was worth more than five big ones, I could probably do so.

There ya have it. Muffin tops, flowers, and books. The three things most prevalent in my mind.