Tonight's one of those nights that no matter how hard I try, I cannot fall asleep. My mind is reeling. All bets are off. The stability of the past nineteen years of my life is out the window.
Two years ago the biggest problem I had was whether I was going to get asked to a dance by a certain boy or not. Then I went to college. The harshness of life and complications of decisions has radically changed my life view from proud, snobby, and shallow, to tentative, confused, and vast. Oddly enough, I'm comforted by the fact that my world got bigger than Suburbia. I don't feel confined to norms and standards anymore and I have finally given myself permission to look beyond normal. It's arisen so many questions that I could easily give the answer to, but only from my tunneled, sheltered knowledge.
But I'm over that. I'm surrounded by two thousand people who all know the answers. But why doesn't this seem right? I'm not talking about the need for another "radical" change to happen. And honestly, I'm completely okay with the fact that I seem to be the only one questioning the norms.
Maybe this is a newfound streak of independence, but I don't want to be growing and challenging in the same way everyone else is, I want what I do to generate from a complete heart of desire and wonder rather than a burst of passion from those around me. I don't think change comes from bursts, but from slow going.
I watched Batman: Dark Night with friends this weekend. At one point, the Joker says, "You have all these rules and you think they'll save you." That's been me. I would dare to say that's been most of us. We have rules that we create because they make sense and seem safe. But what happens when someone else breaks our rules and we're left vulnerable? What happens when A + B doesn't equal C? My rules stem from fear. Fear that the cycle I've been living, this systematic plan isn't the only way. What if there's more or less to it that I am not willing to look and see? I'm afraid that in the end, my way won't prove itself. And if it doesn't, then what?
I've become an honest believer that God is going to prove Himself to be Himself regardless of what we say or do. So I don't think it is wrong to question "normal" every once in a while anymore. In fact, it gives cause for reflection and I think it shows the Lord even more. It's a humbling mentality, as if to say "okay God, I know You're big enough that even if what I'm doing isn't exactly the best, You'll show me what is, even if it hurts". My mentality changes from self-preservation to a belief that all things are used for good. Maybe pain isn't bad all the time (we'll get to that another night).
My view of things has been topsy-turvy lately. I don't really think anyone has jumped on board with me, nor do I think they need to. I've learned I accept truth best when I have a point or purpose to relate it to, a reason, a why. For me to find that I have to go through the back door on things, and sometimes that looks like rejecting basic concepts completely. It gives me fresh eyes to see if the matter is one of personal bias and tradition, or is one based on Truth. Sometimes it's both, sometimes it's neither, and sometimes it's one or the other.
I kinda like the idea that I do Christianity different than everyone else; that sometimes I'm on the same page as them, but others, I just can't seem to find the "why" for myself. I believe there is a lot Christians do that isn't wrong, but it's not the only way either, and it's then I ask for the strength to carry on with what I have found to be true for me. I pray we as little Christs can give each other grace as we attempt to walk the best we know how.
May we not be encased by self-protection, but be courageous to seek Truth. May we be willing to break down walls and question norms and not be fearful of instability. May the Lord keep us close to Him so we are seeking Him rather than the next new thing. And most importantly, may Truth be discovered that grows in us a love and desire to pursue Christ, regardless of circumstances and feelings.
Keep Seeking God.
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