I'm hesitant to post this, it's ugly and hard, but I want people to see the reality of my journey. Maybe other people don't land where I am, but regardless I have landed here, and I'm choosing to be honest about it because it's too big for me.
Here goes. Y'all I've been mad at God. I still am. I feel like I've been waiting and waiting for Him to show up and give me some sort of clue that I'm doing things right, and I got tired of looking and waiting. It's a disappointing, sad, crappy feeling that caused me to give up these past few weeks. I haven't tried, and I haven't wanted to care. The absolutely frustrating thing is, I still do care. I'm sad. I'm sad that I haven't wanted God, I'm sad that I stopped trying, I'm sad that this feels hopeless....nonetheless those are all true statements.
And as easy as it's been to justify it, I had to come clean, it's been eating away at my soul. Slowly and surely, like one of those bugs that injects poison into its prey, but doesn't quite kill it, so the thing being consumed gets to watch the gruesome process of consumption by the enemy. I've been watching this hopelessness come over me as if I were inoculated. Even worse, I had complete ability to choose to look up, but my pride and anger didn't let me. So i've been stewing.
I haven't been in any positions to hear from God in the past month, I haven't asked, or waited, I just ignored, allowed other things to come in and widen the gap, and it's been fun in some ways. It's fun to ignore responsibility and live on impulse. It's fun to live an indulgently free life, until the reality sets in that that isn't a reality. For a long time now I've been asking what it is to live a slow life. One where I'm steadily pacing with God and not letting the day-to-day overwhelm me. But somewhere in all of this, I have substituted a slow life for a shallow life. Not in the things that I'm doing per-say but by the things I'm sacrificing for the things I'm doing.
I've let fear creep in and warrant impatience, hatred of judgment slip to judgment from myself, desires for peace be overtaken by the insistence of ease, and understanding be masked by self-righteous anger. The worst part is, I thought I was better than all of that....which is probably where this all came from. Life became about me and getting my way, it became about the pursuit of happiness rather than the pursuit of God.
I'm hesitant to need God right now, my view of Him has become rather jaded. My mom yesterday said, "I've done mad at God two ways, the first, to ignore Him and do it my way, the second to keep my eyes up, and let me tell you, the first way never gets you anywhere." She's right. I've been doing mad at God by looking at me and choosing my way. And man, if this post doesn't show you how ugly it's made me, then maybe a cynical conversation will. Because right now, there is not a lot of light in me.
I say it a lot, but it's because I keep coming back to the same conclusions, this time even deeper than previously. I need God, not the God I've had portrayed in my mind lately, and not some God that let's me do whatever I want, the Right God. I just need the God that let's me hope in His mercy right now. Where that is a reality and I can sink into a cloud of grace. Not knowing how to change, but knowing that He is still there. And that regardless of my selfish, egotistic, hateful actions lately, He is big enough to overcome it all, and chooses to willingly, because He's not like me. He's gotta change my mind right now, because I'm pretty bogged down by some falsities.
I told ya it was gonna get heavy. I hope more than anything that this doesn't stir fear or pity in you, but rather evokes grace and understanding. I don't need direction or answers, but love and patience. God will do a good work in me. I don't know how or when, but I'm tired of looking in. It empties me. Pray for me, pray for Him to move my mind elsewhere from myself, and to create in me a new heart.