Thursday, November 3, 2011


What is it about drizzling rain and 43 degree weather that begs for a mid-day Starbucks run? Whatever it is, I answered the call. I'm not an extremely impulsive person, but as of late I have become much more so when it comes to getting out of Bolivar. No particular reason why, I just really like coffee. And cities. And smog. Well, not really smog, but I like going places and not knowing people and being able to shrink into the background.

For some reason, this time of year brings out the nostalgic side of me. In the generic sort of ways as far as holidays some, but mainly for stages of life. Like the days when my best friend and I would just go sit in coffee shops for hours, eat Chick-Fil-A and sit in Barnes and Nobles for hours comparing books and authors. Those are some of my fondest memories. They were days of rest, thoughts, fun, and enjoyment. Sometimes I try to recreate the sensations of those days, but to no avail.

My mom has this 10-10-10 concept that I've heard for years when anxiety started creeping up on me. In ten days, this will probably be over, in ten weeks, this will be a memory, and in ten months, it's going to be a non-existent blip on the radar. Basically it is just a reminder that life is going to keep moving forward, and the hard stuff is going to become a story, and the good stuff is going to a fond reminiscence. And it's true. High school definitely had it's downs. My blatant insecurity, fear of not fitting in, and immature judgment. While I know those were there, they aren't in the forefront of my mind when reminded of those times. It's the good memories. Warm summer evenings playing volleyball until the lights turned off, hours spent in the sun on the lake, driving all over Kansas City for good coffee, that's what I remember.

This subject came up with a friend the other day, which is probably why my mind has gone there today. Sometimes I think I forget that this is a just a miniscule part of the big picture. In months, today won't be a big deal. Life keeps moving on, and the bad stuff will be distant, and the good will still be good. I think that's why God tells us not to worry so much. Because in His infiniteness He sees the big picture and knows that these little things, the messy relationships, that low test grade, your embarrassing fail of epic proportions, are all going to be over soon enough, and we'll move on.

I guess that's how life is meant to be though. We're not supposed to spend our time trying to recreate the past, or to freak out over the present, or anticipate the future. We're supposed to ask God to give us enough for today, and ask to see further down the road so we don't get so caught up in the todays. All of our todays will eventually be yesterdays. Bon Iver has this song called Holocene, I'm going to leave you with a line from it I have really liked lately. It just reminds me that I'm not really that big of a deal.

and at once I knew I was not magnificent
strayed above the highway aisle
(jagged vacance, thick with ice)
I could see for miles, miles, miles

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