Happy Saturday to all! As this was a crazy pre-week-before-the-week-before-Spring-Break week and I am thrilled for time to myself. I am also thrilled that my best friend is currently on her way to meet me in Springfield--after a 3 month hiatus it will be good to see her.
In light of my post earlier this week I thought I'd update y'all on some thoughts I've been having. The first being that I want to be happy regardless of my weight. If I allow my happiness to be dependent on my weight, then we get the meltdown from earlier this week. And who wants that? Not me, that's for certain.
The second is that my comparison scale is running rampant. I have been allowing myself to value the worth of myself based on my size rather than substance (not the three spoonfuls of cookie dough I ate last night substance, the me-ness substance). I've said it before, I praise God for blogs. This week they were my encouragement. Lindsey at The Pleated Poppy hosts this fun weekly post called What I Wore Wednesdays. Basically she takes pictures of herself in outfits she wears throughout the week and posts them. I love Wednesdays because I get to peek in on the way she presents herself through the week.
And as I was looking through this week's post, it hit me. The women who link up to her post aren't all size 2 college students, or consumed with being a size 2 college student. They enjoy who they are and they choose to have fun with style and clothes wherever they are at. I needed to see that this week. I needed to see people who weren't utterly consumed with their bodies but were enjoying clothes.
I know to some of y'all that may sound utterly petty, but I think clothes are a facet of presenting oneself. Clothes have the power to make us feel really good or really bad. There is a quote I saw on Pinterest that said, "I do not have anything in my home that I do not consider to be useful or beautiful." Well the same goes for my closet. I am working at playing with the things I have and getting rid of the items that do not serve me a great purpose and I do not feel good in.
The simplicity of only owning things I feel good in and use is freeing to me. It takes my focus off of comparing myself to other people and causes me to choose to decide how I feel about things. This may seem inconsequential to the whole realm of insecurity, but I think part of the healing process for me is learning how to pursue healthy beauty for myself. When I know I feel good about what I'm wearing then I don't spend nearly the amount of time playing the comparison game with others. So I don't think it's inconsequential at all.
I have to shoot y'all straight. I spent the morning on the Fitness Pinboard on Pinterest and I could just feel the self-torment welling up inside of me about how I ate cookie dough yesterday and that I haven't been in the gym since Tuesday. And the second I realized the turn in my thinking, I refused myself the pity party and am glad for it. I know all this doesn't mean I won't be accosted by the monster still, but this little realization as to how I can better actively choose it, made me a little giddy.
I guess all this to say, if I'm going down this road, I'm taking y'all with me.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Over-sharing
Okay blog world. I read so many blogs of woman who over-share. Those are always my favorite, their absolutely candidness (candidity?) with this community of readers warrants admiration from me all the time. Thus, I'm gonna shoot y'all straight today.
I am insanely messed up when it comes to body image. Like full-fledged-self-deprecating-gag-when-I-see-myself-in-pictures insecure. And this has been a life long battle. I can't tell you of a time longer than a week ever in my life when I was completely secure. I ache for that freedom.
In the past 2 years I have grown insanely in being an independent person, and in my mind, with that should come security. But that's it's own set of problems. Ugly, manipulative, problems. Although I am flattered by compliments, there is always a little rubber band that snaps in me when someone's kind hearted words hit my psyche. It's a nasty monkey that I am dying to not just get off my back, but brutally beat the stuffing out of.
My inadequacy's are only exacerbated by the fact that I am leading my small group through So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. When the complete irony of it is, teaching is just one other big fact area of inhibition in my life.
I went to my church this last weekend, Kris Mcgee spent the time walking through the point of the gospel. Every. Time. Every time I go there I just sit in awe at the way they are able to convey so clearly to me that I just need to sit with Jesus. All the gospel is is realizing that my hope completely lies in the fact that I can't do anything and Jesus has done everything.
I have a massive issue with my mind turning everything faith-oriented into legalism. But this weekend it was like I finally understood that nothing I do is a catalyst and everything I do is a response. The concept of me being able to control, increase, stimulate, or any other synonym of that type my relationship with Christ is 110% absurd. Everything in my relationship with Him is responding to what has been, is being, and will be done in life, not just mine. It is so hard for me to let that seep in to the way I think. I want to hear this all the time. I need to hear this all the time. Because the lack of that is where my screwed up, messy, hateful way of thinking about myself comes from.
I crave to be around people who love that gospel, who are responding to that gospel. And to be honest, I feel like I'm drowning without it at school. This long-term reality of feeling like something is missing down here has left me feeling like I have to do it alone. I am my own teacher, consoler, counselor, etc. It's exhausting. It is the biggest breath of the freshest air for me to go home these days. Hear this. It's not that I hate it in Bolivar, I love the people, and I love my classes, but there has always been a chunk missing for me. I can't tell you that that hasn't produced a good dose of bitterness in me towards it, but I'm slowly realizing it and asking to change.
But truth is, I'm tired. It's like I'm not able to respond because there I no longer know how to listen for it. I praise God for my family and my church where I feel able to breathe and take in for a little while. I have come to deeply cherish those breaks and while this is insanely frustrating, I am choosing to believe that this all has a point.
So here is the summary. I am a big hot mess. I have body issues. I have faith issues. And I'm tired. I just felt like shooting y'all straight. Regardless of my exhaustion, mess, and inadequacy, writing it down keeps me level headed. So I don't write for pity, I write to be honest. I don't crave compliments, I crave freedom. I know y'all have got to want the same thing, and I know that some of y'all have it. And that's the reason I put this out there: to over-share, because we're in this together.
I am insanely messed up when it comes to body image. Like full-fledged-self-deprecating-gag-when-I-see-myself-in-pictures insecure. And this has been a life long battle. I can't tell you of a time longer than a week ever in my life when I was completely secure. I ache for that freedom.
In the past 2 years I have grown insanely in being an independent person, and in my mind, with that should come security. But that's it's own set of problems. Ugly, manipulative, problems. Although I am flattered by compliments, there is always a little rubber band that snaps in me when someone's kind hearted words hit my psyche. It's a nasty monkey that I am dying to not just get off my back, but brutally beat the stuffing out of.
My inadequacy's are only exacerbated by the fact that I am leading my small group through So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. When the complete irony of it is, teaching is just one other big fact area of inhibition in my life.
I went to my church this last weekend, Kris Mcgee spent the time walking through the point of the gospel. Every. Time. Every time I go there I just sit in awe at the way they are able to convey so clearly to me that I just need to sit with Jesus. All the gospel is is realizing that my hope completely lies in the fact that I can't do anything and Jesus has done everything.
I have a massive issue with my mind turning everything faith-oriented into legalism. But this weekend it was like I finally understood that nothing I do is a catalyst and everything I do is a response. The concept of me being able to control, increase, stimulate, or any other synonym of that type my relationship with Christ is 110% absurd. Everything in my relationship with Him is responding to what has been, is being, and will be done in life, not just mine. It is so hard for me to let that seep in to the way I think. I want to hear this all the time. I need to hear this all the time. Because the lack of that is where my screwed up, messy, hateful way of thinking about myself comes from.
I crave to be around people who love that gospel, who are responding to that gospel. And to be honest, I feel like I'm drowning without it at school. This long-term reality of feeling like something is missing down here has left me feeling like I have to do it alone. I am my own teacher, consoler, counselor, etc. It's exhausting. It is the biggest breath of the freshest air for me to go home these days. Hear this. It's not that I hate it in Bolivar, I love the people, and I love my classes, but there has always been a chunk missing for me. I can't tell you that that hasn't produced a good dose of bitterness in me towards it, but I'm slowly realizing it and asking to change.
But truth is, I'm tired. It's like I'm not able to respond because there I no longer know how to listen for it. I praise God for my family and my church where I feel able to breathe and take in for a little while. I have come to deeply cherish those breaks and while this is insanely frustrating, I am choosing to believe that this all has a point.
So here is the summary. I am a big hot mess. I have body issues. I have faith issues. And I'm tired. I just felt like shooting y'all straight. Regardless of my exhaustion, mess, and inadequacy, writing it down keeps me level headed. So I don't write for pity, I write to be honest. I don't crave compliments, I crave freedom. I know y'all have got to want the same thing, and I know that some of y'all have it. And that's the reason I put this out there: to over-share, because we're in this together.
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