Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Most Well

Yesterday I finished re-reading my favorite book, A Severe Mercy. It's probably my 4th or 5th time through since 2012. And every time I read it, I find myself alit with new thoughts and encouraged by reminders from previous times through. 

The end of the book is the main character sharing his wife's death as "a severe mercy". He's conveying this all to C.S. Lewis and he continues in remembrance that "all will be most well".

How refreshing that thought is to me. For some reason the past two weeks have been wearisome. Full of failures and aloneness. The foreboding sense that I'm not going to be taken care of and I'm always going to have to do it myself. It has been disparaging. 

And then I'm reminded that all will be most well. Compound that with this reminder from Henri Nouwen via Ash Parsons' Instagram:

"real like takes place in the here and now. God is a God of the present. God is always in the moment, be that moment hard or easy, joyful or painful....God is not someone who was or will be, but the One who is, and who is for me in the present moment. That's why Jesus came to wipe away the burden of the past and the worries for the future. He wants us to discover God right where we are, here and now."

Like a deep breath of cool air in my lungs, I relax into the God of the present. Because not only is He in the hard and easy moments, he is in the complicated moments. The moments when my mind is reeling, the moments when fear grips me so strongly and I'm believing that I am unhelpable. The moments when that customer is yelling at me and I feel I am going to single-handedly be responsible for the demise of my company. The moment when I am the most sure I am the one woman in world no one will want.

These moments are the tricky ones, where I have to faithfully request to be reminded that all will be most well. That this moment too, is not so far reaching as to be used for His fullest life for me. Recesses and crannies that I believe are so far from the light that I will never be healed. But these are also the places that He reminds me fervently of Joy. Of great hope that lies outside of my ability to examine my faults correctly and reshape them into alliance with His will. My Joy lies in His substance. 

I find no where to go but to press in here. Digging in to how the Gospel matters to Corporate America. Inspecting what I am misvaluing in myself in others and overvaluing in my perception of relationships. Asking to see most clearly His here-ness, knowing that that is what makes things the most well. Solutions are temporary and volatile, His availability is my constancy. 

So may the open-ended questions continue. May the brash clanging about of my life be shifted into a quiet mimicking of His humility and peace. May we all find His present-ness to be what makes all things most well.

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