Except that's not really true.
I wish I were a superhero. Everything in me feels for any sort of hurtful situation and just wants to fix it. Which means by association I am a meddler, nosy, and quite honestly, too involved. I hate any sort of conflict and recently have been surrounded in such. My heart is breaking at my lack of control over the state of things and I just have to sit and cry at my helplessness.
Know that whole independence vs. dependence thing I'm learning? Here it is again. I can't control the people I'm around. I love them, but am by no means purposed to rely on them, nor could I handle it if they were to solely rely on me. I also cannot rely on myself, and believe me, I have screwed up plenty of things to gain that realization. So that leaves me where?
Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Again and again I keep coming back to this. This idea of trusting always gets me. I suck at it. I like having plans. I like knowing there's a step by step process to get where I'm going, and knowing that if I follow the rules then things will pan out all nice and pretty. The harsh blow to that mentality (or as my best friend says, "MANtality") has come in these past few weeks when nothing has been certain. I love the idea of feeding on His faithfulness, it's not just a thought process to go through. It's a life-giving action, key to survival.
It's like these weeks my heart and psyche have been starving. Nothing is clean cut and it just eats away at me, and all I really am left with is my faith. It's a do or die kind of situation with the Lord saying, "let's see what your faith is really made of". And I'm seeing it's not much.
For years I have focused on the "how" of my walk. How to walk well, how to invest, how to be patient, kind, loving, honest, peaceful, meek, humble, all of those NT terms that give us the picture of a "Good Christian" as I have chosen to see it. And honestly, I was safe there. I could judge my level of Christianity high because I was "doing it right" but my faith level remained virtually non-existent. I mean who needs a god when you can just change yourself? Mom terms this "Functional Atheism". The idea of Christians living day to day as if God doesn't really exist.
The opposite of this idea is abiding. Mmmm that term warms my soul. The concept of just sitting with Him and resting in His presence, giving Him the crap, and getting to bask in the peace of not having to figure it out. It doesn't necessarily make the process any easier but it sure takes a ton of weight off my shoulders.
The actual rubber to the road of getting from Functional Atheism to Abiding is where it all gets a little blurry. How do I go from working my rear off at doing the three hundred and five steps to being a Good Christian, to not worrying about it and sitting with God first? For me, I feel like I have to try harder to stop thinking about things and just rest in Him.
I have had a few experiences lately where I have made the extra extra extra effort to just sit with Him, and they have been the most enjoyable occasions of the past month. I don't know what this really looks like, but man, I need it. I need the Lord like nothing I've ever realized. It is my respite, my solitude, my simplicity, my joy, my rest, and most of all, my grace.