Last year I had a professor who started every class period making us sing unfamiliar hymns at 9 a.m. Most of the time they were ones he had made up. His favorite had to be "Enjoy the Journey". I have to say, even though I laughed every single time we sang it, the tune haunts me to this day. The past few days the chorus has been recycling through my brain incessantly.
Enjoy the journey, one step at a time, enjoy the journey, His life in mine
Now bless this professor's heart, he never seemed to have a care in the world or understand the constant stomach-flopping-mind-twisting-ever-changing lifestyle of a college student, because he was one of those people who is able to smile no matter what the case. I have to be honest, that kinda sickens me. Maybe it's my heart that needs to be blessed....
Either way those annoying little words have been running like a hamster wheel in my brain. Squeaking away until I just can't ignore it anymore. I have witnessed conversation upon conversation recently of everyone stating future plans, what they think, where they want to go, why they want to live that way, and every time I listen to one I just sit there. And then I leave the room and cry.
Although, I don't think I'm supposed to know. It freaks me out to see everyone having plans and not feeling as if I have any direction at all. It scares me to be on my own as I have been lately. The Lord has been declaring my independence from people and my dependence on Him lately, and I've been dragging my feet, kicking and screaming, but I'm finally getting on board with Him. I absolutely love my friends but I have spent way too much time and energy defining my life by theirs and now I'm in a nasty pile of garbage because I haven't been declaring the Lord first.
I was reading Psalms today. It's where Mom turned me to, gosh she knows me so well. I read from twenty-three to thirty-one and all I kept reading was "wait on the Lord" "find your strength in the Lord" "protect me Lord" "show me Your ways". Dependence, dependence, dependence. Gosh I rot at that. I think it's why I have no inkling of what's to come. I think it's why solitude is what I enjoy most right now. I think it's why I feel beaten to a bloody pulp by life. All I can do at this point is wait on the Lord, and rest in the belief that He'll show me what's next and He's got the good stuff waiting up ahead. But I don't wanna do it for the good stuff, because if there's ANYTHING out of all of this I've found, it's that life works well when I'm only depending on His grace, mercy, and strength to get me through.
I am becoming one of those people who doesn't shy away from hard things. I think hard is hard and you can't diminish the hardness, but it is something to be embraced and acknowledged while walking to find Truth. I think that's the truth behind enjoying the journey. It's not about making things better, prettier, funner, or easier, it's about finding the Lord in it all and waiting for Him to glorify Himself through you.
This is a hard stage, but man, I wouldn't trade it for anything, the Lord is faithful. My momma always says that nothing is irredeemable. It may not be fun, but I know that it's good. Praise God for that.