Another year older, another year wiser.....oh wait. That's not really how it goes?
I've been in a lull.
Not that a lull is a bad thing, it's just lull-ish. Quiet, with nothing really major to rock my world. It snuck on me unnoticeably, I don't know how I went from never stopping, to quietness of life, but thus I did.
So excuse my lack of writing lately, blame it on the lull.
I don't think I fit very well into what is the "Christian-world." Let me clarify that statement. By "Christian-world" I mean wonderfully hearted people trying to fit God into everything in their lives; people who are exhausted because if they aren't learning one thing, they've got to be learning another, or pushing harder to be doing better.
There is no room for lull's in that lifestyle. Here me, I don't take credit for my lull--in fact, I don't really know if I like it.
But is that because it's not a good thing, or is that because it's unfamiliar territory?
I haven't been spending much "time with God" lately, but He's still been giving me little tidbits every now and then to remind me that we're still cool.
Remember that whole ambivalence thing? Well he's like a new neighbor to me. I don't know why it is so hard for me at school, but to be honest, that life just doesn't seem like IT. I feel like there's this whole other side of life that is completely disregarded at small Christian college. Don't get me wrong, I dearly love the people I'm surrounded by at SBU (holla!!). But sometimes I just sit there and ask, "Is this it?"
Were we meant for chapel services, weekly bible studies, and constantly being told what's the best way and how God is going to show up? I don't think so.
Gawk if you must.
Those things don't initially begin badly, or even continue with bad intentions, but for me, in that environment, it has caused overload. Because I come home and talk with hurting people, cry with friends who have lived Hell, and then belly laughed with those same people when God has redeemed them.
I'm craving God to be a reality. To not be some segmented thing, some lifestyle only feasible in a small Christian school, but something that is transferrable. Something that when life leaves this lull and goes to either the pits or something great, it's still something I need. A life that when I am all alone and despondent of people to encourage me, I can be okay. A faith that allows me to experience joy to the fullest without guilt, to laugh without any regard for politeness at how wide my mouth is open. A faith that allows me to crumble under the weight of things and rest in the being of God.
I want rich faith, and I'm telling ya man, I have no idea how to get there right now. But I'm betting God wants me to have a full faith too. I don't want to pretend I have it, cuz i don't. I'm in a lull. But God is here too.
So begins Spring Break. I've got plans some days, and others I don't. I want to give God a little time to show up.
I'll let ya know how it goes.