Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Hushin' Up

I enjoy silence.

I enjoy silence and most people don't (especially at 20).

I enjoy silence and most people (especially at 20) do everything they can do avoid it.


Because silence is scary. It leaves us only with ourselves, forcing us to deal with our lives. When I stop moving is when I realize where I'm biting it in life. It's also when I leave room to ask God what He thinks about my life. 

Quietness also leaves room to be a part of creation. When I'm silent I hear the world around me. I'm not trying to avoid it or move past it, I'm just awaiting each minutes slow, methodical turn as life continues on. 

Silence leaves room for hard questions, and sometimes I feel like those questions sit in the air right in front of me mocking me. I feel small in the midst of big questions. But I also feel a sense of adventure. The constant thought I've been having these past few months is, "is this it?" I want something great. And I believe with my heart that God has something great for me that's bigger than Christian college and "quiet times." 

I love big questions. The mystery of the unknown is appealing to me. Scary, but man, the thought that maybe there is more to it all then what I have settled for excites me. Big questions leave room for imagination, for dreaming, for the pessimistic side of me to dissipate and the optimism to flourish; to hope for better and get me excited about things again. 

When I have room to dream, I get excited about God. I come back to the place where I know that He loves to surpass expectations and that He's got bigger plans than Christianity as it is now. Ecstasy (not the drug) fills my being when I imagine something bigger than what I settle constantly for. Dreaming reminds me of my smallness. And I'm good with being small in the expansiveness of what He's created. I don't feel small in the sense of inadequacy, I just know my place, and that creates dignity within me. Knowing where I stand with God and being able to rest within that.

Silence = Questions = Dreams = Ecstasy (not the drug) = Smallness = God

Speaking of knowing my place with God. I've been reading in Luke, and the disciples crack me up. They get it wrong a lot. There are few times in the Word I recall Jesus not rebuking them for trying to earn something or being cocky or having little faith or something. 

Not that that's really funny. But nothing's really changed. At the end of the day we want something to show for our faith. We want to be the best or the most faithful or the favored. We want something out of it, it's just human nature. 

When I'm busy and ignore silence I feel entitled. But when I become a part of the stillness, I come back to knowing my place. Silence is humbling

Being an introvert, I am much more okay with silence than most, but man, I think we're supposed to be okay with it. Jesus went into quiet places all the time. He knew He had to get away. He knew the fleshy side of Him needed to ask God what He thought about things. But I am quite often guilty of avoiding solitude for the shear fact of not wanting to deal with what God has to say about things.

I know when my remarks are too biting, when my patience is wearing thin, when my love is about me, when I'm feeling entitled, but I want to stay that way, because it's easy. When I let God into that though, I'm more me. When I sit with Him, I don't feel as if I have to freak out about the little things. I just get to rest in knowing my place. 

I'm not saying that I need to institute more "quiet times" into my life. In fact, I hate "quiet times." I think they're retarded. It causes me to segment it out of my normal life into my special "God place" and that's gross. In the end, I enjoy God more when I know my place. And I know my place better when I am quiet. I'm quiet when I choose to forgo a mind-numbing activity for something that really satiates. It's as simple as that. Letting go of a little of me for a little of Him.  And in the end, that's what's Good. That's where change settles in. 

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