Friday, May 13, 2011

The Elephant on my Chest

Laugh with me at the irony that I didn't post the first day of my initiative.

I got on to post at 10:34 last night, and you know what? The dang blogger wouldn't let me sign on. Sad. SO. That leaves me here today, writing about two days in one.

Definable word of the week: BUSY.

Finals are coming in that wop-wop-wop sort of way. Impending doom. This week was accounting, accounting, accounting. I bet that just excites everyone, doesn't it?

While it's been extremely packed, which normally isn't my favorite thing, it hasn't been bad. It's kept me focused and driven toward the goal (summer vacay-woot woot!).

We had our last Klub meeting for K-Life last night. We PAR-TAYED it up playing some lightning bolt-lit up ultimate frisbee then some games. It was a nice break.

I love K-Life. 

I spend a lot of my time wondering what kind of "vibe" I'm putting off to people. Let's call it what it is. Insecurity. But at Klub it doesn't matter. I just naturally don't think about vibes there because I feel comfortable, loved regardless. I think that's some of the joy that comes with hanging out with younger people, as an "adult" (bahahaha.....right), they just like me no matter what.

I want that those kinds of eyes. I forget to see people as people sometimes. They become Christians, boys, girls, peers, students, parents, siblings....etc. And I completely lose sight of the fact that at the end of the day, regardless of their personality, regardless of their interests, regardless of their family, regardless of their age, regardless of ANYTHING, they are people and we are all of equal value. No better, no worse. There is no totem pole. 

Unfortunately, I suck at living in the reality of this. I become proud and arrogant in what I've learned, uncompassionate to people I think should know better. It always hits when I am reflecting on those conversations at the end of the day, my lack of grace towards others, my need for affirmation, my inability to allow others the same courtesy. I'm critical. But I don't want to be.

I pray for compassion frequently. It's easy for me to have compassion for the young girl ambivalent with the idea of breaking up with her boyfriend, and the addicts when I know there is a reason why they choose an easy fix. It's not easy when they are the people I think should be getting it right. 

My lack of compassion is by no means right, but it's justifiable. Honestly, I sat with God last week and asked, "if these are your people, why do I have no desire for their way of life?" We have become a Christian culture that doesn't allow other people to penetrate the barriers. 

We refuse to ask the hard questions for fear of not being right. We do everything in our power to steer clear of hurt, because in all reality we don't believe God is good enough to heal. So we avoid it, until it inevitably comes back to bite us in the butt, and then we put on the strong face and say, "I'm trusting God," and refuse to face the shattered remnants of our hearts.

I don't think there is anything wrong with hurting. I think it throws our frailties in our face and makes us deal with our stuff. It's messy, and ugly, and long-term, and redemptive. I think accepting and letting our hurt set in leaves room for God to redeem us. And that is good. 

That has been a big one lately that has sitting on my chest like an elephant. My lack of compassion towards people who are fearful of making mistakes and hurting. Both are wrong. And I need a whole ton of compassion from people, genuine compassion. Room to figure out my wrongness and ask God to be good in it. Not platitudes and advice. Not lessons and "when I was there" instances. True grace and compassion. Believing in God in the process. I need to learn to give that too.

So that's today. Grace on you wherever you are in life. I know it's messy. I believe the harder the road, the richer the end result. Harder and richer. 

No comments:

Post a Comment