Thus it's been a week. I arrived at the conclusion that even though I instated an initiative, if I didn't have anything to say, I wasn't going to say it. Let me go grab some salt to season my words as I eat them.
Today I've got something to say. It's been rolling around within me for a while now. It took me up until Monday to be able to admit it, but I can now.
I've lost faith in Christianity. I'm not talking I don't believe in God. I'm not saying that I'm having faith doubts. I have just lost faith in the Christian life.
We live in a world completely inundated by everything. There are endless options regarding what one can read, listen to, write, blog, buy, drink, eat, etcetera. So what? Well, with all of these available sources, I've been bouncing around trying to find the one that makes the most sense to me. And i've been disappointed. Not because they are right or wrong. But because the point of making sense is that it makes sense in light of what I've found to be True.
So i've spent time throwing out the institution, which was embittering. Months have been spent in my world disheartened by what we have created into being a Christian culture. I hate it.
I want more than anything for God to be a completely tangible, life-giving, a hopeful reality. In programs or in an organic lifestyle. All of the above. I just want God. I don't want to find Him in an institution, or a book, or a person, I want to find Him. Period.
I'm beginning there, still being about the things that I get glimpses of His reality in (Redeemer, reading. dear friends), but remembering what my mom told me about last week about God knowing that I don't know.
That was profound for me. I haven't experienced permission to not know in a long time. The grace of people to go through the process of beginning, without even questioning it or trying to understand. Just letting me be and quietly observing the process. My momma gave me that last week.
And in this past week I've started my job. New people. People I have completely enjoyed. I've laughed a lot, something that hasn't happened in awhile. I've loved learning new things and being in a different environment. It's been refreshing and fun.
So I'm giving myself permission to feel things out this summer. To start over, in a sense, with what I think about things. There's a peace for me that comes in the aloneness of that. I want this to be my own. I want to own it. I'm not refusing people or relationships, rather looking to find truth so I can fully embrace them. I want reality to meet theology. I know i've said that before. But the truth of me as a human is I lose it so much. I lose myself so much. I'm not a strong person, and my frailty is constantly evident. I'm taking that for what it's worth and starting there asking God to just be Him and to let me catch glimpses of that. Reminding myself that He knows I don't know. Resting in the fact that He loves me in that place as He loves me when I do understand.
I believe in God man. Not in an existence or religious sort of way either. I believe in Him in a believing sort of way. Hopeful, knowledgeable that goodness will come of it. I don't believe in me anymore. And I don't really believe in my view of things as it is right now. I want a fresh start in that.