A lot of things excite me about this year, I'm excited for trying new activities, getting into my major more, being with my roommate, and my small group. But the fear of moving into the unknown scares the cuss out of me. I am not the best at jumping aboard the change ship. I'm trying to be better about this. The honest truth is that I would rather stay in my not-the-best comfort than risk that for better. Better means scary....and I don't do scary.
Like I said, I need an attitude adjustment.
The past 4 days I've been here I've noticed my fear unabashedly rearing it's ugly head and taking over me. It's frustrating. When I'm scared like that I'm usually not very nice, and that's frustrating too.
I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day reading "don't let comparison steal your joy." It goes beyond comparison for me, I let a lot of things steal my joy. And I'm tired of it....I feel robbed by my inability to fight for my joy and truth. I admire people who are so good at dreaming and looking forward with hope and taking today as it comes with peaceful, contented hearts....I so deeply desire for that to be me. I desire for a restful dignity that allows room for people to be and figure out their messes. I want a heart of mercy and compassion that chooses to look for the God in things rather than whether or not I get my way or if it's going to be easy.
I feel like I say all this a lot, I want to live life fully. In "The Cave," Mumford and Sons says, "I need freedom now and I need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be," it's actually written on a gorgeous painting on my wall. For months I just have wanted to find how to live well...and I'm just asking God about it a lot right now. The thing at this point that I'm absolutely sure of is that I need God...a lot. I need Him to come into this, to help me see things well, to help me walk into my anxiety, and to help remove my fear...to just help.
I'm frustrated of needing help this desperately, but part of me just wants to see where this leads to. I am being faithful to His goodness. I guess sometimes I write to remind myself. I forget what I know about Him, I forget to believe in the big picture. And that's a huge reason why I have this blog, to document moments when I know that I know; to be able to see the glimpses of His persistence in my life and bringing me to good places. Even though I don't see the good place yet, I am choosing to believe in it anyway, and I'm asking to be able to keep my joy.
I bring this up a lot, but the Lion Chasers Manifesto is something my best friend sent to me a few years ago, and it's my constant reminder to keep moving forward...so I'm ending once again with this excerpt. May it bless you.
Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Criticize by creating. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion.