Sunday, August 28, 2011


Dude. I'm feeling a little gutsy. Beware of what's about to come out of my mouth fingers.

Week one of school. Check.

So I get back to my room tonight, take my first breath of the week (chyeah, it was THAT busy), and fell apart. Not because it was bad either. How's that for being a girl?

My mom on numerous occasions has told me that this is the time of life where the concrete things that I've known about life become abstract. And this week more than any has made me wanna put all the pieces back together. To make sense of the abstractiveness. But that's breaking the rules I guess, because no matter how well I coach myself (and I'm a pretty good coach if I do say so myself), I'm still super confused.

I like college. I like being around people my age, meeting lots of new people, and having a social life available to me almost whenever I want. But man, it's hard. It's hard being around 2,000 people all questioning life....and if they aren't, feeling annoyed by their lack of care in it when I'm suffering so much from it. How dare people have it more together than me.

It's gotten dang-near impossible to be okay with questions for me. I don't know how to do this, to ask so many questions and feel as if I'm gaining no ground on finding answers. It sucks.

One of the big ones has just been stupid insecurity. I'm sick of feeling inferior because I can't be okay with how I am. Now most girls I know have the IfIjustlose10pounds mentality disease, but it's nearly impossible to think rightly after that guy settles in (think Mucinex commercials). There is a part that has to ask the question about being healthy, but is it worth doing it if you're mind goes Black Swan on you and distorts the good? And in that case, do you not do it at all for fear of messing it up? And even then, where does being satisfied with who you are come into all of that? mind just never stops.

The other big question guy lurking around these days is about balance. How does that work man? How do I pick and choose? Classes are kicking my butt right now, and it's only been a week. So much homework and learning that I don't feel capable of. On top of it all, there is the extras that I'm super excited for, but right now just seem kinda ominous. How do I decide what's "best"? I think I can handle it, but how am I supposed to deal with feeling overwhelmed sometimes?

So. Many. Questions.

And they aren't going away, I feel like the nature of EVERYTHING right now is question after question and a lot of ambiguous answers, if any. And I'm terrified of getting it wrong. I'm scared of not knowing too. How does that work?

Man, I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Sometimes, it just doesn't make sense, and I don't know how it's gonna in the end. God help me.

I just need to vomit up all the scary stuff. I'm sick of putting a brave face on when I'm scared cussless. It's cathartic. And it makes me feel like a real person. I love reading blogs where they're honest, it makes sense to me to be scared, and messed up, and to just believe God will come into it. That just makes sense. So maybe that's a comfort to you. Maybe not.

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