Love and Comfort

All good things must come to an end. Including Spring Break.

So here I am, back in my dorm room.

But break was good. Real good.

I didn't get hit with any philosophical lightning bolts, but I laughed, camped, saw some people, hung by myself, and drank serious amounts of coffee.

Ya know what? Now that I think about it, I did find out something. When God wants ya somewhere, there's no getting around it, even good places. I think my lull is Divine. Because life still happened this week, and parts of it could've put me right back to where I've been, stressing, crying, pulling out my hair and the like. But I'm not. I still feel like I did last week before facing some stuff, and that's gotta be Divine, because that's definitely how I normally react.

As to not disappoint (har har har), I guess I do have a few things that bopped me on the head at church this morning.

It doesn't stinkin matter how much we love God. 

Don't break out the tar and feather just yet.  What I mean is, at the end of the day, we can't define our Christianity by how much we love God, because it's still a miniscule amount compared to what we have the capability to do, and we're never going to be able to say that we loved Him enough.

We can however, define our Christianity by how much we are loved. By what we receive from the Giver.


I get to define myself by how much I'm loved. 

Somedays I can honestly say I would bite the head off of someone who told me something so simple, so if you want to bite my head off, that's cool. Tomorrow I may bite my own head off, but today I like the reminder that God and I are cool. He's not gonna be pissed at me and need to clear His head before we can talk things over. And in a world of temperamental, sassy people *raises hand* it is nice sometimes to remember that He's not that way. 

Oh. Another thought.

I'm scared to death of being uncomfortable. Funny for how blue in the face I've gone telling everyone else in the world that we're supposed to be. I'm just selfish and prissy when it comes to the idea of not having what makes me feel settled.

Gag.

I hate hearing myself say it, but it's true, and not saying it doesn't make it any less true. Though I wish it did.

I'm asking the Lord what I should do with that little big thought. He's probably gonna whoop my butt.

But I believe in Him, He hasn't done anything yet for me to not, so why not follow Him over this cliff too.

Nothing huge. But that's how break went.

Lull

Another year older, another year wiser.....oh wait. That's not really how it goes?

I've been in a lull. 

Not that a lull is a bad thing, it's just lull-ish. Quiet, with nothing really major to rock my world. It snuck on me unnoticeably, I don't know how I went from never stopping, to quietness of life, but thus I did.

So excuse my lack of writing lately, blame it on the lull.

I don't think I fit very well into what is the "Christian-world." Let me clarify that statement. By "Christian-world" I mean wonderfully hearted people trying to fit God into everything in their lives; people who are exhausted because if they aren't learning one thing, they've got to be learning another, or pushing harder to be doing better.

There is no room for lull's in that lifestyle. Here me, I don't take credit for my lull--in fact, I don't really know if I like it.
But is that because it's not a good thing, or is that because it's unfamiliar territory?

I haven't been spending much "time with God" lately, but He's still been giving me little tidbits every now and then to remind me that we're still cool.

Remember that whole ambivalence thing? Well he's like a new neighbor to me. I don't know why it is so hard for me at school, but to be honest, that life just doesn't seem like IT. I feel like there's this whole other side of life that is completely disregarded at small Christian college. Don't get me wrong, I dearly love the people I'm surrounded by at SBU (holla!!). But sometimes I just sit there and ask, "Is this it?"

Were we meant for chapel services, weekly bible studies, and constantly being told what's the best way and how God is going to show up? I don't think so.

Gawk if you must.

Those things don't initially begin badly, or even continue with bad intentions, but for me, in that environment, it has caused overload. Because I come home and talk with hurting people, cry with friends who have lived Hell, and then belly laughed with those same people when God has redeemed them.

I'm craving God to be a reality. To not be some segmented thing, some lifestyle only feasible in a small Christian school, but something that is transferrable. Something that when life leaves this lull and goes to either the pits or something great, it's still something I need. A life that when I am all alone and despondent of people to encourage me, I can be okay. A faith that allows me to experience joy to the fullest without guilt, to laugh without any regard for politeness at how wide my mouth is open. A faith that allows me to crumble under the weight of things and rest in the being of God.

I want rich faith, and I'm telling ya man, I have no idea how to get there right now. But I'm betting God wants me to have a full faith too. I don't want to pretend I have it, cuz i don't. I'm in a lull. But God is here too.

So begins Spring Break. I've got plans some days, and others I don't. I want to give God a little time to show up.

I'll let ya know how it goes.

What if....

I love reading good things.

I've been fighting with myself a lot lately, and let me tell you, I can get pretty sassy when I wanna.

I used to not do anything unless someone either did it with me, or gave me complete approval. Sad right? I was like a little puppy. In recent months, I have been telling people to just bug off and let me do my own thing my own way. But here's the thing....

Both are wrong. 

And as I'm finding that, I see my pendulum swinging faster and faster between the two, hitting both extremes, sometimes all within a few minutes. I want people to like, admire, and even want to be me (ew.) but then I want to be a totally independent woman completely not caring what anyone thinks (but still wanting people to notice that. double ew). So really, it all comes from this sick need for people to think I'm the stuff. 

Mmmm.....i bet you WISH you were me right now. (har har har)

There are many words I could use to describe how this feels, today the most accurate one is tiring. My mind is CONSTANTLY racing trying to read a situation, accommodate accordingly, then turn two minutes later and do the same thing based upon an idiotic comment I made (yet again).

And then as I was reading, C.S. Lewis caught my drift and gave me something to chew on. Well a lot to chew on.

[God] wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another. [God] wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favour that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbour's talents--or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. He wants each man, in the long run, to be able to recognise all creatures (even himself) as glorious and excellent things.
-The Screwtape Letters

I find myself saying, "what if" to that. Sad. That is how unfamiliar---no, how alien, how peculiar, how.......completely anomalous, the idea of being just as okay with ourselves as we are with others is.

We either exhort ourselves to the point of utter arrogance or demean ourselves to insignificance. The top or the bottom. What if it's not a totem pole? 

This looks like a million things in my life. Maybe it's not how different or similar I am, how much I think versus how much I feel, if I'm dressing "urban-enough" as opposed to cliche. It's a flowing stream of me against the world. Feeling as though I can't trust it because it's not an original thought from the wise fountain of my mind.

God calls me to enjoy Him forever. I don't find enjoyment in feeling the need to be better, think better, dress better, or write better. I find enjoyment when I shut up and let Him just do His thang (yes, I did say thang).

So, i love the 80's and 90's. But I don't need to love the 80's and 90's because everyone thinks that's goofy. I just wanna love it cuz i love it. I've loved recently being around girls who don't care. They neither mock nor admire me for it. They just hang with me and let me do my thang (there it is again).

Speaking of these girls, we had the best girl date last night. Imagine with me....Cheddar's, Borders, Potter's House (the BEST coffee shop in Springfield), and a star-lit dance party. The people around us at dinner were asking to move due to our loud, sputtering laughter. Good for them. Good for us. I enjoyed every minute of that night with those girls. Them being completely themselves, and my being completely myself, and it really not mattering to any of us. Glorious. Beautiful. Sweet. Godly.

Now that I think about it, maybe what Lewis was saying isn't a "what if" thing. I guess it's more like how, "how often" thing. The more often, the more I see God in relationships, and am able to better enjoy Him. And isn't that the end of it all----learning to enjoy God?

Word to your moms peeps.