Knowing I wanted to write, I have been contemplating "what" for a few days now. Even had an entire post written out last night. Do I write about Hawaii? My new job? Dallas? So many new and different things in my life the past two months to document. But then I went to Redeemer this morning.
And I saw my next door neighbors. My childhood friend. My middle school friend (who married one another). My college friends (now married). My high school best friend. My former boyfriend (now married). And my best friends parents.
One from every season of my life. The group together could tell you about some of the moments I killed it and others when I completely bit it. The ones I bit it probably moreso, since that occurs more often.
It was not expected, considering I didn't think I really knew anyone there, to all of the sudden feel so...um...exposed is the word that comes to mind.
I think most of us head into new seasons of life thinking we can "start over" in some way shape or form. I certainly didn't feel a need to, there is nothing to start over from necessarily. However, I still got that vulnerable feeling of exposure. I'm sure I was inconsequential to most of these people, but each of them represented a consequential time in my life. And now I go to church with them.
My natural inclination to this kind of susceptibility is to hide. Emotionally, and to be honest, physically. I want to avoid contact and ignore the reality of it all. Not because of any ill-feelings toward them, but because I am insecure about who I have been in my life and being seen accurately by them now.
All of that to say, I started to feel that way and then Communion occured. The blood and the body being consumed by each of us. More than any of the other insecurities I felt, there was camaraderie with them. That regardless of my immaturity, naivety, and blatant young-ness with some of those people, that we are living under the same banner of redemption.
Seeing all of these relationships from a perspective of being done with the hard parts, I am easily seeing this side. The beauty of working through hard things, of allowing each other room to grow and mess up and offer grace and love in return. The messiness of relationships and the overwhelming peace that the Gospel creates through healing.
This morning, the one with the weird emotions, pointed me so directly to the absolute hope of the cross to not only redeem my self-ness, but to redeem our relationships with one another, for His own sake. Jesus doesn't provide healing amongst us for only our benefit, but because there is no better depiction of redemption than seeing broken relationships healed for broken people by the Perfect one. There was not conflict with all of these people in my life, however, I know and can immediately recall my offenses to them during the seasons they were in my life.
I Need Thee Every Hour was the chorus sang this morning, how apropo. I need Thee every minute, and regardless of my recognizing that, He is providing for me thus. I love hymns because their beautiful depth and consistent accuracy over the years. How they still resonate with my 1991-born self. This morning was no exception, hearing that hymn and sitting with these feelings. Often times I see things through MY lens....and this morning I caught a small glimpse of the US side of the Gospel. Our communal need for Jesus and the complicated beauty of the Gospel reflecting through relationships. The togetherness factor enters in such a nuance that cannot be experienced by ones self alone. I forget that in my independence and introverted-ness.
All that to say. Church is helpful to me. People are helpful to me. And the Jesus makes both of those things so. Today I see that, and I wanted to pen that so I will remember that when this perspective is far from natural.