Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Lewis, Trailers and Cawley on the Brain

I feel compelled tonight.

Compelled by a conversation at work and subsequent blogging by my friend.

I have two best friends. We were supposed to move back to KC together after graduation. Start a cupcakery. Have a little house with Fourth Room (mind you not A fourth room.....Fourth Room). Eat our way through the city. Then as May loomed closer, Olivia had the opportunity to move to Florida. And now, here we are in August. I'm moving into my own little apartment North of the River this weekend. Becky just bought a trailer. And Liv is returning from Florida in a few short weeks.

Although we have all battled our bouts of disappointment at watching our idealistic dreams wither, tonight I just can't help but sit in awe. My two best friends are beautiful adventurers. Not afraid to take risks and do what they love. There is something so beautiful and freeing to me to see that despite how good our plans could have been in reality, this is it's own kind of lovely. C.S. Lewis says, "Good as it ripens, becomes continually more different not only from evil but from other good".

My pastor at Redeemer on Sunday bequeathed to us the line his uncle used at his wedding, and he subsequently has used at every wedding since. "You will best love your wife when you love her less than Jesus". Put a blank in there (or put a bird on it) and it's all encompassing.

We will best love everything else, when what we love is secondary to loving Jesus. That's where freedom is. Freedom from labels, jobs, relationships, expectations. I have to confess, I don't live in freedom in a lot of ways because I still love likeability more than I love Jesus a lot of days. I get frustrated when that is threatened and insecurity seeks in, choking me.

The three of us are adventuring in our own ways now. Independent living, vagabond living, and ambiguous living. Freedom to go, stay and be in between. I love watching people live expanding lives. Seeing experiences shape, comfort, shock, and rest people. My personality is such that I love the end result, but over the years the Father has developed such a deep seeded love of the process.

Lewis also describes life like a tree, branching out and separating as it grows, not heading toward unity. If that doesn't describe this stage of life right now, I don't know what does. This summer I have found a great responsibility in choosing my attitude about things. Choosing how you are going to react and move forward from an incident or lack thereof is so telling of ones character. As I'm wriggling around in this time of life, figuring out what adventure and freedom are for me, I'm being to see that I have to choose to embrace the different-good of others to find freedom in my own. Expectations and sameness will become weary very quickly.

Compelled writing isn't my best. It becomes a collage of thoughts stapled together. But I suppose if you want a little summary of where my head is tonight, here it is:

I want to best love adventuring, my friends, life, my job, beauty, etc, by loving them less than Jesus. I see others doing that, and it draws me in.

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