Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dirty Laundry

There are a lot of different thoughts rolling around in my head today, mostly self-focused negative ones, but maybe you can empathize. 

1) I stink at simplicity. For a girl who enjoys life way more when it's uncomplicated, I am really good at weaving a web of confusion and can take even the simplest concepts and divide them into ten different parts all involving another twenty factors. It drives me nuts about myself. I have always known I'm analytical, but I am beginning to ask the Lord what that means. Yes, the concepts seem opposite, but I wonder if there is some balance. Maybe it's combining the two ideas, maybe it's both co-existing but not meshing, I don't really know, but I'm asking.

2) I am really bad with opinions. I either try to do it all on my own and get snotty when people give them, or I ask for too many and can't sort through it all to find my own thoughts. I often drift in and out of seasons of the two extremes.  Lately it's been the latter, I don't like being told I'm wrong, it's that whole arrogance thing rearing it's ugly head. I tend to think I'm very right and because I see it differently than most, people should listen to me. If you can't already tell, I've been learning how wrong I really am a lot lately. It's sucky, yet refreshing. I forget how faithful the Lord is when correcting me, I'm not just told I'm wrong and left to change. He reminds me that I'm not Him and that my way isn't always right, so I need to get my head out of my rear and ask Him about things. 

3) Community easily becomes a cop out for me when I am not inviting the Lord into my life. I have been beaten into the head, as well as beating others into the head, with the ideas of community, doing life together, walking together, whatever you want to call it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a huge believer that we are not meant to do this on our own, but I know (at school especially) it is SO easy for me to let my walk with Christ slip and to take solely into account the thoughts of those I know are walking consistently with the Lord and then depend on my own thoughts to tide me over until I "have time" for the Lord. Sick right? I see it in how I end up approaching my "community," I become apprehensive, snarky, unkind, and just flat out unenjoyable. Yes, not all the time, but enough to need to be addressed. 

4) Introvert is to Emilie as bark is to a tree. As much as I try to shake this, I can't. I THRIVE on alone time. I need it to function. Lately, I've had chunks of it and I have selfishly chosen to waste it with Netflix. Being alone, in a position to read, write, and think, keeps me honest.  As aware of this fact about myself as I am, you would think I would be very intentional about making sure I have this. I'm not. In fact, it's the opposite, I flat out, lazily, choose to do something more appealing because then I don't have to bother with questioning whether or not what I'm doing is the best. It's a whole lot easier to not walk in the Spirit, it's fairly comfortable, and I tend to settle into those stages a lot more often than not. But the Lord continues to not let me be satisfied there, my butt grows numb and I realize I need to get up and stretch my legs, which then leads me to be more active. 

I'm pretty raw with these realizations right now, so forgive the brashness and negativity that easily comes out when I am feeling analytical.
 I've missed good alone time. I've missed being with the Lord. I've missed questioning things on my own and digging to find my own answers. I've missed knowing where I stand on things and being able to challenge and be challenged securely. I bring this upon myself, but it does me some good to see this side of me. I feel like I sound cynical, and maybe I am, but I think I need to feel the weight of these things to actually provoke some kind of change. 

May complacency not settle in you. 
May you choose to find where you are settling and decide to push past it.
May we all never let ourselves stop asking God where we need Him most and then invite Him there. 

1 comment:

  1. I hear you about the alone time... I squander it often... sometimes with Netflix. Amen on that last bit Emilie! I'll post what I've been learning later this week!