Fresh

Thus it's been a week. I arrived at the conclusion that even though I instated an initiative, if I didn't have anything to say, I wasn't going to say it. Let me go grab some salt to season my words as I eat them.

Today I've got something to say. It's been rolling around within me for a while now. It took me up until Monday to be able to admit it, but I can now.

I've lost faith in Christianity. I'm not talking I don't believe in God. I'm not saying that I'm having faith doubts. I have just lost faith in the Christian life.

We live in a world completely inundated by everything. There are endless options regarding what one can read, listen to, write, blog, buy, drink, eat, etcetera. So what? Well, with all of these available sources, I've been bouncing around trying to find the one that makes the most sense to me. And i've been disappointed. Not because they are right or wrong. But because the point of making sense is that it makes sense in light of what I've found to be True.

So i've spent time throwing out the institution, which was embittering. Months have been spent in my world disheartened by what we have created into being a Christian culture. I hate it.

I want more than anything for God to be a completely tangible, life-giving, a hopeful reality. In programs or in an organic lifestyle. All of the above. I just want God. I don't want to find Him in an institution, or a book, or a person, I want to find Him. Period.

I'm beginning there, still being about the things that I get glimpses of His reality in (Redeemer, reading. dear friends), but remembering what my mom told me about last week about God knowing that I don't know.

That was profound for me. I haven't experienced permission to not know in a long time. The grace of people to go through the process of beginning, without even questioning it or trying to understand. Just letting me be and quietly observing the process. My momma gave me that last week.

And in this past week I've started my job. New people. People I have completely enjoyed. I've laughed a lot, something that hasn't happened in awhile. I've loved learning new things and being in a different environment. It's been refreshing and fun.

So I'm giving myself permission to feel things out this summer. To start over, in a sense, with what I think about things. There's a peace for me that comes in the aloneness of that. I want this to be my own. I want to own it. I'm not refusing people or relationships, rather looking to find truth so I can fully embrace them. I want reality to meet theology. I know i've said that before. But the truth of me as a human is I lose it so much. I lose myself so much. I'm not a strong person, and my frailty is constantly evident. I'm taking that for what it's worth and starting there asking God to just be Him and to let me catch glimpses of that. Reminding myself that He knows I don't know. Resting in the fact that He loves me in that place as He loves me when I do understand.

I believe in God man. Not in an existence or religious sort of way either. I believe in Him in a believing sort of way. Hopeful, knowledgeable that goodness will come of it. I don't believe in me anymore. And I don't really believe in my view of things as it is right now. I want a fresh start in that.

Homey Home Homes

Buhhh. Totally forgot to blog. Boo me.

But, I'm home. Happily home. It's been happy and relaxing thus far.

I'm living the high life yo, let me tell you.

Cleaning my car, unpacking my stuff, grocery shopping with the rents.

Don't you wish you were me?

It is a very wonderful thing to be back in the world of Target. And real food. And a climate controlled house. And a big shower. And a washer and dryer. And asparagus.

Let me settle and I'll tell you what I've been thinking about lately, I just don't quite have my bearings under me yet to want to write it out. It's pretty honest. And hard.

Shame on me for skipping some blogs. I'll try to be better.

Peace out home biscuits.

Haiku's

Packing is a bore
Can't wait to play volleyball
Weather warm up please.

Or....

Windex on the shelf
Dirty laundry on the floor
Staring, mocking me

Or....

Unexpected guests
Are packing my car for me
Blessed be their souls

Or....

So long bad coffee
Cocoa Cappuccinos, YES
I'm not an addict.

Or...

Realization:
All my stuff fits in a car
Minimalistic

Planks

So I was thinking today. Well actually tonight. And actually I was talking to my roommate. So I just lied to you. Forgive me.

But when I was thinking/talking to my roommate today/tonight, the subject of being too harsh came up. While I am a very tenderhearted person when it comes to relationships, I can be brutally honest towards people, through sarcasm, and it's rude, and not very kind-hearted. It sucks actually. 

The phrase "ooooh, I shouldn't have said that" is recurring in my mind a lot. And you know what, I don't know how to not be blunt. It's a learned habit, and an ugly one at that. Can be advantageous sometimes, but most the time it's just hurtful.

I'm a lot better at finding the twig in others eyes than seeing the plank in mine. I only see it if I want to see it. I think I refuse to look because I want to feel strong. I know I got issues, trust me, I see them all the time, but I like to know the issues I have. I don't enjoy people pointing them out to me. I get embarrassed and feel small. Bleh.

So I avoid the planks to avoid the embarrassment. It's that whole, "I should've known that" mentality. How could I not have seen that, or if I have seen it, why didn't I not do that?

But that's the thing. I do do that stuff. All the time. 

Where is the line between being sensitive to overly-sensitive people and embracing the honest heart I was given? Where is sarcasm's place? Where do those rude things come from?

Buhhh. Lots to think about.

Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God.  

"Studying"

Dang. This is a bigger commitment than I thought, but imma still try to blog every day. Even though yesterday was a fail.

And so begins finals week. Buhhh. I'm drinking a Fitz's Diet Rootbeer while sitting in The Coffee Ethic in Springfield. The roommate and I decided to take a trip. A trip for cupcakes....and they were worth it.

Luckily, I don't have to get any higher than a 77 on any of my finals, BOOYA CHACKA. Still, that impending doom sort of feeling is sitting in my stomach at my fear of failure on them.

Go away down there, I don't like you.

Best part of this week thus far. Britney Spears dance party and Photobombing my friend with my roommate yesterday. I'll leave you guys with a few gems as I get back to studying.

Bahahaha, aren't we funny? :)

Promptings

Home, home on the.......suburbs......

Well yes, I am home, and as my friends here have been taunting, no, I'm STILL not done. But I did go to work training for my summer job today (hooray!).

And let me tell you, it's gonna rock. I'm getting to go to a few cool, freaking awesome places (North Carolina, and Georgia) and there are some sah-weet people working there--schmyeah.

Something that has definitely changed as I've been growing up is my affinity for new experiences. Begrudgingly I would pout my way through them, literally pouting. Arms crossed. A bleary-eyed frown. The whole enchilada.

I still pout sometimes. A lot actually. But, slooooowly I'm beginning to enjoy meeting new people and trying new things. I see the value in it now, new people and situations have a ton to offer. Those are the things that change me, the process sometimes SUH-UCKS, but I always end up wanting something new eventually. 

I've gotten to see some awesome people this weekend BTDubs. I appreciate my friends at home to no end. They are vastly different than my school friends. They think very differently and have nutso-ly unique passions like medicine and history and politics. 

It's reminded me of the joy of learning. I've spent this past year looking critically on my surroundings. and that's not always a bad thing. Coming home though, I am seeing the worth in learning to learn again. Of finding conclusions on things and digging deep. Not for the sake of being a better Christian, and not for the sake of being different from people. But of finding God to surpass my expectations and show me Truth. To create in me a hunger to abide in Him. I've lost that. 

I miss passion. Not only my own, but of those around me. And I don't think God-centered passion is just knowing the Bible well. I think it's being able to find God, or at least ask where He is, in the tangible everyday things of our lives, our culture, books, people. And I also think I've been saying that all semester. But i've spent so much time and energy pushing that idea rather than pursuing it. 

I don't want to be that person (sick nasty). 

I just enjoy being around people who cause me to think and challenge me as being wrong. Not because they're right, but because they see the flaws in my way of thinking. They want to know how I landed there, and push me to know why. It's wonderful to be on the other side of the pushing and be pushed. It's humbling and provoking. 

I'm looking forward to being home. I'm looking forward to promptings from relationships. 

As an excerpt of one of my favorite quotes says, "Stop pointing out problems, and become part of the solutions."

Ouch. Amen. Good night.

The Elephant on my Chest

Laugh with me at the irony that I didn't post the first day of my initiative.

I got on to post at 10:34 last night, and you know what? The dang blogger wouldn't let me sign on. Sad. SO. That leaves me here today, writing about two days in one.

Definable word of the week: BUSY.

Finals are coming in that wop-wop-wop sort of way. Impending doom. This week was accounting, accounting, accounting. I bet that just excites everyone, doesn't it?

While it's been extremely packed, which normally isn't my favorite thing, it hasn't been bad. It's kept me focused and driven toward the goal (summer vacay-woot woot!).

We had our last Klub meeting for K-Life last night. We PAR-TAYED it up playing some lightning bolt-lit up ultimate frisbee then some games. It was a nice break.


I love K-Life. 

I spend a lot of my time wondering what kind of "vibe" I'm putting off to people. Let's call it what it is. Insecurity. But at Klub it doesn't matter. I just naturally don't think about vibes there because I feel comfortable, loved regardless. I think that's some of the joy that comes with hanging out with younger people, as an "adult" (bahahaha.....right), they just like me no matter what.

I want that those kinds of eyes. I forget to see people as people sometimes. They become Christians, boys, girls, peers, students, parents, siblings....etc. And I completely lose sight of the fact that at the end of the day, regardless of their personality, regardless of their interests, regardless of their family, regardless of their age, regardless of ANYTHING, they are people and we are all of equal value. No better, no worse. There is no totem pole. 

Unfortunately, I suck at living in the reality of this. I become proud and arrogant in what I've learned, uncompassionate to people I think should know better. It always hits when I am reflecting on those conversations at the end of the day, my lack of grace towards others, my need for affirmation, my inability to allow others the same courtesy. I'm critical. But I don't want to be.

I pray for compassion frequently. It's easy for me to have compassion for the young girl ambivalent with the idea of breaking up with her boyfriend, and the addicts when I know there is a reason why they choose an easy fix. It's not easy when they are the people I think should be getting it right. 

My lack of compassion is by no means right, but it's justifiable. Honestly, I sat with God last week and asked, "if these are your people, why do I have no desire for their way of life?" We have become a Christian culture that doesn't allow other people to penetrate the barriers. 

We refuse to ask the hard questions for fear of not being right. We do everything in our power to steer clear of hurt, because in all reality we don't believe God is good enough to heal. So we avoid it, until it inevitably comes back to bite us in the butt, and then we put on the strong face and say, "I'm trusting God," and refuse to face the shattered remnants of our hearts.

I don't think there is anything wrong with hurting. I think it throws our frailties in our face and makes us deal with our stuff. It's messy, and ugly, and long-term, and redemptive. I think accepting and letting our hurt set in leaves room for God to redeem us. And that is good. 

That has been a big one lately that has sitting on my chest like an elephant. My lack of compassion towards people who are fearful of making mistakes and hurting. Both are wrong. And I need a whole ton of compassion from people, genuine compassion. Room to figure out my wrongness and ask God to be good in it. Not platitudes and advice. Not lessons and "when I was there" instances. True grace and compassion. Believing in God in the process. I need to learn to give that too.

So that's today. Grace on you wherever you are in life. I know it's messy. I believe the harder the road, the richer the end result. Harder and richer. 

Thirty

So. My blogging has dwindled to epic fail status. Thus I am initiating a goal.

For the next 30 days I am going to blog everyday. Short, long, important, or not, I'm going to just write for the next thirty days.

It's going to be a month of transitioning. Next week is finals (boooooooo!). Then I'm home to start a new job (yay!!). My brother is rejoining the military, so it's going to be a process of figuring out what that looks like. Once again, life is ebbing and flowing, and I want to face it standing tall, looking and asking Christ what it means in light of the gospel.

I want to ask good questions in this new season, I want to refuse to settle for complacency and choose different things, hard things. I want to rise above fears, push through anxieties, and find God to be good and understand my need for His grace on me.

Here's to new initiatives, and new seasons.